Moment to Moment, with Dao & Zen

Another chunk of my world just suddenly shattered. M. said that he feels guilty and pressured when I 'push' him to do workshops and courses, even though the constant refrain on his lips is ‘I’ve gotta do something! I’ve gotta make some money!’ This after he sent me a link to show me how great some other photographer’s blog/site is (I disagree) but M. doesn’t want to get into learning how to do it nor spend the time doing it. (as if time isn't what we've got the most of!) He wondered if I might want to learn how to blog, intermediate and advanced levels, and take over that task. I said it wasn’t my priority, thinking to myself that this is all beside the point, which, for me these days, is on first finding out what Life or Source or Dao has in flow for me, then following it with the necessary action. Instead of what I’ve done all of my life—making my decision on what my goal should be, based on what I’ve been taught to believe, and push on with all I’ve got to reach the goal post, whatever the cost and means.

(I see myself in a TV commercial frame, bursting through the finish line in the Chariots-of-Fire slo-mo, the fading amber light of the sunset trailing across logos plastered all over my athletic wear, with ‘inspirational’ texts like: “You can do anything you set your mind to.” “Sky’s the limit.” “Reach for the top!” “Don’t take no for an answer!” “Never give up!” streaming across the screen like ghostly vapours. Dear God/dess! These are the pillars of my beliefs and values, the guiding light of my life, brought to you (and me) by our post-modern, post-war society of capitalist consumerism, the birthright and civic duty of every citizen of the West... I have modeled my life after a TV ad, so help me!)

Back from ranting… I am still seeing the differences between me and M. gaping like an unbridgeable chasm, almost on a daily basis, and it weighs heavy on me. I question whether I ought not to mention these differences to him, whether this is too much for me to carry, whether there is a purpose to our being together. (I had written 'relationship' first, instead of 'being together', because they are not necessarily the same thing to me. But why aren’t they?) What would Dao or Zen say about this?

A considerable part of me says maybe I’m better off alone, eliminating yet another source of distraction and agitation. A smaller voice, though, says that the real source of distraction and agitation is inside myself, that even if I cut myself off from every relationship, thus removing potential burdens, I will only be left confronting myself as a burden, caused by my body, my needs, my desires, etc.

There is no need for boundaries between beings, in relationships, if you can just allow things to come, as they will, and go, as they will. Divisions and separateness will disappear, if only you can loosen your grip, not turn away from it, but watch it go. Then, back to centre.

Thank you, Dao and Zen...

I let go of my reactivity and responses to scenes from M’s path. I let go of my intentions to offer help and advice to him from a place of fear. I let go of the bigger picture that I see of his situation. I let go of my fear that I’m not strong enough to carry our relationship. I let go of my own guilt and self-judgment. I let go of self-doubt. I let go of this breath that I’ve been holding, and take a new one.