A Soul Retrieval Journey

SOUL RETRIEVAL – Nov. 3, 2007

A deer came to me – very slender and mythical looking – I am very small like a fairy – so I got up on her back and hung on for the ride – she took me to a small pool – very clear and still – she bent down to drink and I slid down her neck and dropped into the water - I kept sinking and sinking and I wondered if I’m going to run out of air – then I realized that I’ve changed into a frog – light green with dark markings

I kept swimming downwards until I came to a sort of murky green bottom where there was a mossy rock – to one side of the rock is a dark hole – not very big – I went in there kinda scared – it’s pitch black – I was afraid there might be a snake or something predatory – I sensed there was something in there – then I saw a glimmer of colour and it’s a weird sort of eel – very slender and transparent with the centre lit up with irridescence – it can light up or turn off but it’s blind – I’m to go with it down the hole but I’m too big – so I spat out a pearl or a small stone and the eel curled its tail around it and held it

I left my frog body behind there – the eel went down the hole – it’s very snug and everything is muted – I could sense the earth around us changing in colour and composition even though I could not see – it started to get warmer and the change in the surrounding is coming faster – then I realized that we’ve come out of water and the eel is now flying – it has 2 long wings like fins and is now flying like an insect – I think of a newt although I’m not sure what they look like – but now there’s very hot glowing rocks around us

the newt is flying carefully so as not to touch any surface – it’ll incinerate us instantly – I see here and there the rock crevices are spewing fire – I’m calling out for my lost soul part – it is here somewhere although I couldn’t imagine what it would be – then I realized it is my fire that I lost – my creative fire, the source of my passion and inspiration and personal power – what lights me on fire – I feel like crying and I wondered how I lost it – it was becz I didn’t allow it to ‘burn’ the way it was meant to – I tried to tame it, shape it, redirect it and sometimes tamp it down – I got distracted with so much learning and doing – stuffing myself with all kinds of external things – and my fire was neglected

now I see there’s an area of rock that’s darkened – as if dying into ember – the other half is still glowing and smouldering – but the fire is not burning – I knew that’s my fire – my lost soul part – I asked for the wind to come and blow into the rock – and a big fire came up instantly – I hold the fire in my hands (I could see only a pair of hands) and transferred it into my solar plexus – where it burns big and bright and lit up the whole inside of my body – I felt pretty big too but have to put the fire temporarily into the pearl/stone so the newt can take us back

we retraced our journey and came back to the deer by the pool – I am now full human size – I thank the deer and my amphibian spirit helpers – and I looked at the fire burning inside myself and realized that I can turn it up or turn it down as I wished – I decided to celebrate my fire’s returning by dancing to the drumming – and putting my hands on all the chakras except the crown – to reconnect them to the fire – and finally with my palms on the ground I connect to the earth

Tomorrow I am to do the practice from the Chakra CD as my Welcome Home practice for my retrieved soul part – my fire

I am the lightbearer – but I had to retrieve my own fire by boing into the dark unknown first – then I can carry the light into the dark out there – I see my hands held out by each shoulder and the fire burning from each palm – and the big fire burning inside my body

Now I am to read Welcome Home by Sandra Ingerman – the chapter on Using Your Creative Energy – she talks about the energy that is freed after a healing – and that we have a choice then to decide what we want to do with that energy – some people use it to fuel more of their old patterns of behaviour and drama – they relapse and do not get better – it makes me think of the clients I’ve had who chose to channel that energy into furthering their spiritual life and personal growth – and in no time they take off into a bigger and better way of life – this is true transformation – deep and permanent

As I read about the questions ‘what in my life is meaningful’ and ‘how to do more that is meaningful in my life’ – I think, healing work is one of the most meaningful aspect of my life – for myself and for others – then I resolve to do more healing work and to wish for more opportunities to do healing work to come my way – and not worry about how it presents or whether I get compensated or not – becz I know the energy it generates will provide me with what I need and will be for my highest good

I also realized that fire is also courage – courage I lacked (or lost) and needed to carry out my power and intention into manifestation – so I can step boldly forward without fear – I see now that this fire I’ve lost and found is what has begun to burn away that block that I’ve used to protect my solar plexus from taking on other people’s pain and suffering – but by blocking it I’ve also smothered my own fire - blocked my own outlet of creativity and expression – fear is the greatest damper of the human spirit and I was protecting myself out of fear – but the boundary was not a healthy one becz it was not discerning – whereas if I let the fire burn freely it can destroy (burn up) what’s not serving and purify it down to what can fuel it – what serves – and I can use this energy to carry out my creative endeavours – my work in healing – the ‘protection’ was like a candle snuffer for it is difficult to protect a flame without putting it out

It’s interesting to see that my journey took me from the earthly level into water (emotion), then into deeper and narrower water where I feared lack of air, and into the fiery centre to retrieve fire from the underworld – like Prometheus – and like my last GSH session with Sue – it was about resolving my fear of the darkside so that I can carry the light into the dark – and the 2 can be in fluid and constant exchange – for that is what keeps the world turning – light to dark, dark to light – fear would only lead to fixity and destroy us

The sadness and despair I felt the last few days had been about the dark place I go to where I feel utterly alone and helpless – not knowing what to do so I do nothing – wishing and wishing for something to happen – but it never occurred to me to get up and make it happen myself – I was so wrapped up in fear I could not move – the resistance I put in place so I could not receive the ‘goodness’, like Sue said – that fear is actually the fear of the darkness inside myself – my own dark side/traits – things I had not wanted to acknowledge or admit to about myself – shame, humiliations, decrepitudes – it is my own darkness that I feared the most – not what’s out there – now I am ready to take a light to it all – finally!

I can now admit to myself what I thought too painful to consider – that at the moment I do not have complete mastery, nor perfect discipline, wisdom and maturity – that like many around me I am still a diamond in the rough – but with every trial (‘success’ or ‘failure’) I become a little more polished

This journey has been truly a symbolic quest – even the spirit helpers I encountered went ‘backwards’ from a mammal to a reptile to a fish/insect – more and more primitive in form – until finally it was just elemental fire – and also from the physical (earth, conscious) to the emotional (water, subconscious) to the spiritual (fire, unconscious) – then return to the physical/earth again: manifestation

Ingerman talks about performing a ritual after a healing – to release the limiting beliefs and attitudes that surface – she uses a fire – so I will now use my fire inside myself – to burn away all the limiting beliefs and attitudes that no longer serve me – and transform that energy into clean and pure creativity that I can channel into my work:

Fire fire burn away the dross and leave only gold!

…perhaps this is what alchemical healing is about.