Selling Out, 3 Times

Friday, November 19, 2010

In the night I woke half way and thoughts came wafting by, perhaps in answer to my request to understand how I am not being true to my Self, how I am in the way of my own creative expression, how I am still selling out.

One was that I ought to, and can, become more vegetarian. I must say this is a surprise to me now, in the light of day, though I felt no reservation nor judgment about it when it came unbidden in the night. I have never felt the need to be vegetarian, neither for health reasons nor ethics. Yet I have always felt a deep and immediate connection and love for animals, except for human beings. I’ve always insisted that I would save an animal before saving a human, even a baby. So how could I condone the things being done to animals just so I could buy meat packaged in neat little units in brightly lit stores, where I am at least 6 times removed from the reality of how that meat comes to be on my table? I’ve simply pushed that knowledge aside for the convenience of my conscience.

Following that thought was another one along the same line, I realize now again, in awake mode. This one, though, I have been aware for some time. The thought came with much more conviction than ever before, that I do not support the survival of the human race over the survival of the entire planet. That means I will put my effort into healing the planet and its other inhabitants, even if it means wiping out the human race. I feel very clear about this now, the difference being that there was always an emotional surge attached to this issue, now there is only a calm clarity. The storming rage has passed, now I can see my way to align with the greater good and settle down to the work still ahead. I know where my healing work is to go now.

The last item I remember was something more personal. It was my nephew’s birthday yesterday and I’ve always bought him and his brother presents that they’ve asked for, the usual toys and games and such. But if I am to walk my talk, I would not be promoting consumerism in the mindless capitalist fashion that all of us practice most religiously in the West, would I? Yet I’ve been perfectly willing to set that principle aside too, for the sake of making my nephew happy.

In these 3 ways I have most definitely been a hypocrite, even if subconsciously so. These are 3 lies I have been living, and though they might seem ordinary and trivial even in their ambiguity, I know the message is really about showing me how easily (nearly flawlessly so) I can accommodate these subtle shifts in my integrity, without batting an eye, even at myself. I am a master at fooling myself.

The greatest part though, is that once I saw through these tricks I’ve pulled on myself, I felt immediately a firm resolve in these ‘convictions’, as if they’ve grown a spine. And in this new resolve, I saw also the ‘solutions’, what I must do to uphold the truth of what I stand for. They no longer seem impossible to me.

I thank my ancestors and Source for this nocturnal lesson in knowing and healing myself.

P.S. Had Jesus' disciple Peter come to a similar realization when the cock crowed 3 times, I wonder??