Animals, Our Channels of Salvation

Do our pets act out our unconscious desires? It occurs to me just now that animals I knew who had a tendency to bolt and take off lived with people who harboured that desire in themselves. One of them was me, and my dog used to take off whenever she could, like a streaking bullet, and never looked back. At that time in my life, I desperately wanted to do exactly that. Which was exactly what I did, right after she died. So what does our cat Nemo act out for us now?

He is unabashedly a foodie, being extremely attached to eating. His feeding routine is as regular as Swiss clockwork, which he himself maintains to the minute, and he loves to enjoy the whole experience of eating. Crying incessantly ear mealtime is a daily event. He also prefers, sometimes demands, that someone is nearby when he’s eating. He craves love and touch and soothing tones and warmth. He is the quintessential creature of comfort. But he is also a seasoned Zen buddhist, letting things come and go fairly easily (except hunger), his moods temperate and placid, not given to risks and impulses.

I can see how it is our (M’s and mine) unvoiced desire to live a good life, in which everyday flows into the next in a modulated pace, always warm and loving and gently lived, our every comfort and need provided for without struggle. We can go out into the world for something different, but we always have a safe haven to come back to. This place is sacred to us, we more or less keep it to ourselves and seldom invite others in. And we like it this way.

Certainly I have been wanting, and living a quiet, contemplative life where I am insulated from the harshness of the world, a respite or retreat for the vulnerability that is so much a part of my existence, though I hadn’t realized just how much until recently. In Nemo this shows up as his disinclination to venture outside, where he gets spooked easily. Safety is priority. Along this vein I can see that Nemo is embodying and living out my vulnerability, my fear of not having enough, my need for serenity and silence to recharge, but I had not consciously registered how much love and care and physical touch I am craving. Perhaps this is mostly from M. I can see he is missing that in his life, not having anyone who can provide him with that except me, who is admittedly not the best provider. I suppose he feels unloved, or not loved enough, most of his life, and this is his biggest wound.

Nemo’s excess weight is a manifestation of our fear of lack and deprivation, as well as protection for my sense of vulnerability. But what’s his skin condition mirroring? It’s only along the spine on the lower back, worst just before the tail starts but not on the tail. Flaking dandruff and bumps on the skin, sometimes can be picked off. He doesn’t seem to be aware or bothered by it unless it’s touched. Perhaps it’s like my skin in the winter sometimes, dry and tight most of the time, but worst when it’s stretched or pressed on. It could be there is some lack of flow of circulation, therefore of emotion. Am I withholding expression of my emotions, preventing free flow overall; my suppressed feelings presenting physically as skin that isn’t sufficiently hydrated from the inside? Hmmm… I feel the weight of this truth…

I do hold back my feelings often instead of letting them loose around M, because I have this belief that he won’t like it, he’ll feel hurt by it, and get defensive, which I hate to deal with. Saying this now I see it is a generalization I’ve made, and that I can find a different way to go at it. I can let go of the belief and stay open hearted when I have a feeling that wants to be expressed, whatever it might be. As much as possible, I can choose to articulate the need calmly and lovingly, with compassion for everyone involved. This, I know from experience, will change the outcome to something I won’t have to dread and avoid.

I suspect, too, that all of this ties in with my constellation of kidney/lung/core fear symptoms.

I’ve come another step just this week in trusting my emotions to be true and real, the most reliable of my guidance system, and I want to give it every chance and ease to flow and inform my wisdom, fertilize my creativity, nourish me abundantly, and manifest my true essence in this world.

Thank you, Nemo, and all the animals who were part of my life, for your unconditional love and incredible sacrifice.

Now, let’s see if we can apply this line of inner inquiry to my sister and her brood of cats…