Pondering my passivity

Only very fleeting fragments of dreams remained, so I asked my body about my Shadow, if there is something there I am ready to know or do for my own good – what came was this:

I am torn about taking this time of retreat for myself. I fear that perhaps in some 'shady' way I am just using it to avoid going out there into the world, because I do not want to face or fight the good fight against the harshness of reality that I’ve seen. So I’ve reframed the situation in order to convince myself and others that I am withdrawing for a ‘noble’ reason, when in fact I am giving in to my fears and passive nature. These are in my conscious mind, but I want to know what’s in the Shadow behind all this.

The word passivity lingers and won’t go away, like a old, festering wound... reflexively I blame my passivity for holding me back from going out into the world with more initiative and zeal, though my immediate reaction to just thinking about being active out there is one of fatigue and exhaustion, being depleted of energy with nothing left at the end of the day. But that is only a belief, one that says ‘work is exhausting’, because our experience with our jobs has led to that, and everyone around us seems to express the same sentiment.

Yet it is only a partial truth, and it is the part that isn’t true that offers us the truth, a way out of ‘the grind’. Not ALL work is exhausting and a one-way flow of energy out of ourselves with little hope of replenishment. When we do work we love, we seem to be able to find more reserve, go longer, and the ‘load’ doesn’t seem as heavy. Why is this so, considering that we are not expending any less energy when doing work we don’t want to do. Sometimes we even feel more energized by the work! I am fortunate enough to have experienced this phenomenon, because I would never have believed it coming from someone else.

While it is true that love is what makes the difference, I think though, if we leave it at that today’s enquiring minds will be left wanting for a deeper understanding and meaning of this (I know mine would :). It is that if you love the work (or anything else in the universe) you are open to more flow energetically – think of an open hand vs. a closed one, which one will catch more – AND therefore you are offering less resistance to the flow of energy that’s always around us, so you are also conserving more energy than if you are always fighting this person or that procedure, beating yourself up or doing things against your own grain. All this fighting, beating, struggling and hating and holding back your real feelings takes a huge toll, probably more than the energy you actually put into the work alone. You are using the force of resistance to push back this ongoing tide day in and day out, no wonder you’re wiped out flat. No wonder I am exhausted just at the mention of work.

I see this has now turned into a lecture by my body to myself, or perhaps it is more of a teaching story, and like all good stories there is a happy ending! For this story it is that there is a very simply solution to the problem: do the work that you love, and don’t give up looking until you find it. Simple though this truth is, it is still a journey, meaning it is seldom an instantly achievable goal. Sadly we often give up on the journey too soon, and in our result-oriented way of life there is little support or encouragement around us to help us keep faith, take heart, and carry on. Thankfully, the universe does provide for those who determine to stay on this road less travelled.

So the moral of this story to me is: pursue the work I love, and check frequently for points of resistance within myself, and, one last thing: passivity is only a trait like having a tool or a weapon, it can be used for help or hindrance, growth or harm – user’s choice.