Still resonating... 2 years later

It’s sure been a while... ironically it seems even more surreal to know that it’s been just over 2 years, when it feels more like 5 or 10... much has come and gone, more has changed than not, at least in my little corner of the world... a bit like finding an old keepsake in a box under the bed, the moment you recognized it, the little gasp (or silent) of surprise (didn’t know I still have this!), and the floodgate of memory crashes open...

These entries were from my journal 2 years ago...


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tension
follows flow –
that breathless moment
between
inhale and exhale.

I just learned today that a Haiku is made of 17 syllables – this one came to me while I was reading Descent into the Goddess by Sylvia Brinton Perera: “...it’s a balance with tension, not a dead balance.” – and much to my surprise, it is 17 syllables! Though not in the traditional 3-line configuration of the Japanese haiku.

It occurs to me now that the opposite of flow need not be stagnation – that that is too absolute and fixed... often it is just tension – a moment of tension. And that moment, as if a pause, is pregnant with possibilities. This is where and when choices can be made. Am I going to take another breath, or am I not? Am I going to take another step, or not? In this moment, consciousness is allowed to step in and assert its will towards a certain outcome.

Realizing this does much to lessen my fear of becoming stagnant when things are at a seeming standstill... that fear of being trapped or pinned down... a fear shared with both my father and grandfather, in waking life and in dreams...

The greatest pain
and relief,
in that naked moment
of hitting
bottom.

As it is unnecessary for me to fear stagnation, it is also unnecessary for me to fear chaos. For it is out of chaos that order is born.`

Reading Descent into the Goddess... so this is why I used to fantasize about being the heroine who saves her beloved, and dreams of saving my father when I was a teenager... part of me – the feminine self – is still waiting for that knight in shining armour (or the black samurai) – my masculine side – to come and rescue her from her helpless passivity... I wonder what’s keeping him??!

I’ve always tried to ‘rescue’ the men in my life... let’s be honest, I still am... when the person needing rescue is me – my inner male... my inner female (the healer woman in white robe) came (in that last Guided Self Healing session with Sue) and rescued, restored and healed him (his lost head) with white light... is he in recovery and will come out when he’s ready?? In the meantime, I must give him love, nurture and make him feel welcomed...

If one fears
being an empty hollow
why ask
to be a vessel?


It occurs to me that my addiction is to general fulfillment – into which I have to constantly feed with books, food, love, sex, learning, power, sleep, things new and novel... anything and everything that makes me feel happy... the addiction of a Generalist... oh that big black void in the middle of me, where my true self ought to be... it is time to reach into myself and bring the disparate parts together – the feminine yin and yang... so when is the wedding??! ‘How to Love, Nurture and Bring Up Your Ego’ – as you would a child – is there a book on that?? If there is, I need to read it...

I see now something that has always mystified me... the frequent presence of my sister in my dreams. She is the ‘light’ sister, the good, proper, feminine and maternal – while I’m the blacksheep sister, the dark, mischievous, erratic rebel and ‘fuck-up’. Yet she is usually in the background of the dreams, and just her presence comforts and reassures me... like a safety net of strength... home. It is time to bring the dark sister home to the other sister, so they can draw on each other’s strength and love.

The dark sister also appeared in my dream of being pushed up the ramp by the masses. She was just as surprised as I was, her expression mirrorred mine. So we are both still caught up by the greater collective and propelled by external forces beyond our control – towards the height of manmade achievements – the modern day Tower of Babel which ends in thin air, not connected to anything, and the only way to go from there is down... This is the truer meaning of that dream, and answers that niggling discomfort I felt with my previous ‘interpretation’. And even though my dark sister was beside me, we were not touching so remained separate. Also she was only lightly brown, not deeply dark, so I’ve probably not dug down deep enough yet for her...

The Descent to the Goddess also reflected the ‘fault’ within me – the split – however it was not only a vertical one of right and left, masculine and feminine, but also a horizontal one – from top to bottom – separating head and body. Perhaps soon I can begin the Ascent to return to the world??


Saturday, August 16, 2008

In another lifetime perhaps, I would like to be a diva.

A diva is a woman true to herself, always
she stands firm and solidly connected wherever she walks,
she lives in the ordinary with ordinary people
but she experiences life on an extraordinary level.
Sunshine and storm, pleasure and pain, she accepts all with aplomb
though not without feeling.

She falls down just like everyone else, sometimes,
she nurses herself and gets back up when she feels ready
she has an ocean’s capacity to take in and let go
she lives in constant awe of the Spirit that created this world
and most of all, she never forgets to celebrate life – all of it –
joy, sorrow, change, loss, all the senses, all layers.

She sings from her heart,
dances from her belly,
and heals with the light of her being.
She inspires, mentors and mends
with the full expression of her art.

She moves the unmovable,
cherishes the unlovable,
and touches the untouchable,
with all that is luminous –
beauty, grace, abundance and love –
the pillar of strength that sustains her is her one belief,
that it’s all about love.


I want to find the diva in me... it occurred to me while in the bath that the diva is an aspect of the goddess – who is creativity embodied and expressed – and that I do love men and the masculine – but I want the freedom to move, to come, to leave, to love according to my own rhythms and callings...


Woke with palpitations
a song
clamouring to be born
from my centre.


Sunday, August 17, 2008

Guided Self Healing Circle with Sue, Catherine and Diane at our place... my intention was to work on my fear and hesitation of stepping out into the world and take on the work I am to do; and our collective intention was about our belief and block to feeling that we are capable of doing that.

My ‘story’ turned out to be in utero and empathed from my mother, not my father as I had always related this subject to. It was the trauma she suffered from being given away by her own family, and beaten by her foster family for her desire to go on to higher education, education was considered a waste on women back then. I experienced it as fear while in utero, and reacted to it with fear of suffocation, and the need to escape at all cost – becoming angry, aggressive and violent in the end. I think that was why I had such a huge aggressive reaction and terror from the rattling of the Peruvian shaman that time, when everyone else in the room were in a state of fetal bliss. It was an in utero trauma for me.

Anyway, in the process of clearing this I came to see that indeed I had chosen her as my mother, because of what she is: strong, capable, protective, grounded and indomitable in spirit. But I had come to rely on her strength instead of my own; taken it for granted that she will protect me so I never needed to draw on my own resources... hence where I am today...

So I need to learn from her now, knowing that her spirit and genes live in me too, that I have it in myself to be all of those things which I so admire in other strong women. And I now forgive her for what happened that traumatized me, just as she has to forgive what happened in her life. I also forgive myself for passing judgment on myself, but I now take responsibility for the choice I made before entering this life, and all of its consequences. As closure I asked my mother to bless me, as I give honour and respect and love to her, and to allow me to now go out into the world and live my life fully.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

DREAM: that I’ve been looking at a screen that is mostly white for too long, and I just couldn’t see anymore... like snow blindness – there was someone with me but I don’t know who... a friend of some kind, standing just behind to the right... then Gary came and we kissed each other on the cheeks – I said, “I know it’s you even though I cannot see you” – it was very gentle and loving, not sexual – he said, “I’ve decided I’ll come and see you” – I knew he meant for a healing session... later I found a bag with a big wad of money on top, bound by a rubberband – there was a piece of paper with writing on it that’s wrapped around the bills – it has ‘Abby S.’ on it, the rest of the writing I don’t recall – I knew my dad had sent me this, as he knew this is where I was going to be.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Just read in “Supercharging Quantum-Touch” that raising vibration acts as stimulation to the person’s own energy to heal itself – just like homeopathy and I suppose any other way of healing... I’m glad that I am finally making this connection, as obvious as it seems to me now that I’ve realized it... this is how hands-on healing and raising vibration heals, or promote healing


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

DREAM: that I am in a check-out line in a grocery store like IGA on the Danforth – the line goes all the way to the back of the store and I’m near the end – I am really thirsty and have drunk a bottle of ligh-flavoured, lightly golden coloured drink but I’m still thirsty – I see more of them in a basket to one side so I grabbed another one to buy – but I couldn’t see how much they are – there were Gatorade above on a shelf for 99¢ so I figure it’s probably the same – I see a family of red-heads ahead in the line – mom, 2 daughters and the son is the youngest – their hair go from orange (mom) in gradation to yellow (boy) – suddenly I’m at the check-out and mom is the cashier – she asks me if I have my sun card – I knew she meant the employee discount card we have at Loblaw – she swipes it but the card was upside down - I mention this to her and took the card from her to correct it – she said, but it’s $1.99 – I didn’t care becz I was thirsty and wanted the drink.


Friday, Aug. 29, 2008

Yesterday was an amazing day – I got to be a part of and a witness to a little miracle...

Little Ana came down with bladder infection and even though I may have prescribed accurately it was too late – by the afternoon her mom called me and said that Ana was in great pain and I could hear her crying beside her – I suggested they go to the doctor’s or hospital and get some relief for her in the meantime, and we’ll treat it properly after – I felt very bad personally about this and really felt for her suffering – debating whether I should go to them and do something – I decided to send her energy healing and it felt quite strong, perhaps becz I was so emotionally charged – I walked around while doing it and it got even stronger - I did this for about 10 min. – then her mom called in a few hours and sounded much happier – they had just finished at the hospital after going to 2 walk-in clinics unsuccessfully – but by the time Ana was checked she had no fever, no pain and not even her original symptoms with urination – her urine showed no infection – so they were released – and now she’s asking for food and laughing and back to her usual self! She said thank you to me in such a happy voice my heart just blew open... children are pure love...

The interesting thing was that I had tried to send her healing again just before her mom called after leaving the hospital – and I could not get the same intensity of energy as the first time – I questioned my connection, my grounding, etc. – and tried also with my double terminated quartz to connect, but still could not get it as strong as before – when her mom called I was still trying, holding the crystal in my hand – as I talked to her I felt this light popping sensation in my ear that’s not touching the phone, but the same side (left) as the hand holding the crystal – I put the crystal down and it stopped...

I feel so blessed and grateful that such wondrous things have been in my life – and I feel even deeper how powerful love is – that which truly connects one being to another - as I was making the comment to Ana’s mom that we should add energy healing everytime we are treating something – I had the thought that I could do this for all my patients – and this is how I could carry the white light and return my love and gratitude to the world – I see now perhaps ‘carrying’ means ‘connecting’ or ‘conducting’ – as an electrical wire carries electricity from one point to another – it took over 4 months for me to get to this insight since I first received my sacred name from Diane: ‘She who carries the white light’, and much fervent hopes and prayers, but I think I’m now beginning to see the light, myself... ☺

Helped Michael work on his ‘big’ dream with Robert Johnson’s Inner Work steps – and even though we only got through step 1 and some of step 2, I could feel how much information and insight we had received just from that – I felt very connected, clear and confident about things that came through to me, and I was able to voice them – and even better was that Michael was able to hear and receive them – it had begun to pull a lot of things together for him, especially in this intensive phase of his healing journey and also the night before he went up to the Fire for some personal time and work there.


Sunday, Aug. 31, 2008

DREAM: an adolescent boy was riding a white horse – both were quite young and gave the sense of being ‘white’ – I said to someone beside me, “They are very much alike, aren’t they?” – I recall the pink skin showing through in places on the horse, as young animals sometime have – tender-looking.

Now that I think about it, the boy looked like a young page, with a pageboy haircut and freckles– but it was a strong feeling that the two were so connected they were as one – that they belonged together.