Taking Sides

It seems to me that every other one of my periods is an easier experience than the other. This one was one of the better, no moods, no cramping, no ‘awareness’ even. And it is from the left ovary. Whereas the last one hurt from ovulation (right side) on into menstruation. I wonder what causes the difference; the cysts, which I’ve had for decades, or the masc/fem split, with the right side being the more aggressive? Or something else? Perhaps my body will tell me…

Apparently I already know the cause… I still rely on my right side, my masculine, more, therefore it gets more stressed out and depleted. AND I have not nurtured or replenished it enough to restore balance and health.

How to love my warrior? I thought I knew, but perhaps I don’t… My warrior, tell me how you need to be loved and nurtured…

I see a line of energy zigzagging back and forth from the 2 sides of my body, top to bottom, reminding me that my right hip has been sore and aching for the last week. I see that the left side of my body is black, the right side white, and the line changes colour as it stitches across. I am being sewn together. The 2 halves have to be brought into contact before energy can be exchanged. Now I have an aerial view of the process, and I see that it is actually a spiraling in 3D. At one point the spin reverses and I see that energy is now going from right to left, slightly less smooth in flow, and I understand that it is actually a stagnation of energy in the right side, an excess build-up that have lodged in certain parts of my body, causing discomfort.

A question is forming: Will there always be 2 sides – even as I see the question form, I also see the answer… There will always be the 2 qualities – masculine and feminine – of energy in me, but there needn’t be 2 sides. That's only my perception. They don’t have to take sides, be fixed on one side or the other, as my ‘understanding’ had locked me into believing. They are meant to be constantly in flow, in a swirling, stately, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, dance.

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I also noticed that I could not sleep deeply until I consciously relaxed myself into trusting that I am not merely escaping from the world, that Osho’s wisdom isn’t gospel, and that the only ‘thing’ I ought to follow is my inner compass, because it is connected to Source. What plagues these days are doubts about my purpose and my path, am I doing what I ought to be doing, which is supposedly non-doing, but am I doing that? Still attached to outcome, still self-flagellating, still… not still. I think, I’m afraid, that part of what I have to give up is my mental bread and butter: books, movies, knowledge and all manners of brain candy. Will I have to give up writing too??! Goddess help me. Is this the next bottom I have to hit?