2010: In Review

“The spirit of the Liver helps us organize and coordinate our ideas and visions into actions and change… When we allow our anger/frustration to go unexpressed we stagnate and are unable to move forward . This inability to properly express oneself can manifest as either being under assertive or overly aggressive, headaches/migraines, menstrual and/or gynaecological issues, PMS, inability to adapt to change, depression.” ~ Cathy Keenan on the Wood element in TCM

If only I had known about these things a few decades ago… Would I have been spared the lesson of learning the cycle of suppressed anger/frustration to stagnation to dysfunctions of the liver, expressing itself in symptoms of headaches, menstrual and gyno pathology, depression, bitterness (biliousness) and inflexibility; all of it like bodily tissues of my self wrapped around the grit of my irritability, and a pearl is made of out this grimmest stuff, and in spite of it.

It is interesting to note also, that I was born under the element of wood, so perhaps this was what I came into the life for, to walk the whole length of the wood journey, from Fool to Pilgrim, to home.

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Just read this too, about how 2010 transpired in my life as Pisces (excerpts by Eric Francis):

“Pluto in Sagittarius was here to teach you how to create and hold a vision for your life and for your work. You have likely learned more about this than you think. Pluto in Capricorn is here to give you some traction in the world. That is, to teach you that the world is malleable and subject to your energy, your concepts and your design scheme. The world changes, and you are in a rare position to benefit from those changes. Indeed, the world, despite the resistance that it seems to put up, bends far more easily than we imagine, if we know how to align our desires with our choices and our actions.”


I am at home in the shadowy, watery, shimmery, shifty world of the ephemeral, that in-between place strung across reality and dream, material and spiritual, conscious and unconscious; the seemingly grey area which, if you are willing to move your head a little, becomes irridescent with the whole spectrum of the rainbow, of possibilities previously unseen.

All of my life I've searched for what I would call home, and it is only now that I feel myself on the home stretch...

I am the ocean that gives life, breaks it down, returns it again and again, changelessly changing.
I am the mollusk that protects, insulates, nurses and worries the pearl into being.
I am the pearl which has hidden itself from the world.
I am the light that emanates from within the pearl, when at last it sees the light of day.
But unlike the light of day, it is a soft, warm glow that you can hold in your palm, a pocket moon to light your way, soothe and bolster you, when you travel alone into your darkness each night.
This is who I am, and what I am here for.
I am home.

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“In theater, masks hide the face to reveal a deeper essence.

I would not say that Pisces lacks self-esteem: rather I would say that for many, the concept does not exist tangibly. It must be defined and discovered and developed consciously."

I have this belief that when I do something for someone else, it takes away from my own life, that I am discredited or diminished in some way. Therefore I resent having to work at a job, or provide service for clients, because it takes time and energy and focus away from spending it on what I want to do for myself: healing, insight and wisdom gathering, reading, writing, meditating, being still, being in nature, beauty, and art, pleasing myself, connecting with whom I wish...

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"On June 8, 2010, there will be a conjunction in your house of self-esteem.

This is a conjunction that’s going to change the world; indeed, it’s already doing so, months before it happens. For you it is personal on many accounts, representing an invention of self-awareness, identity and self-worth.

When I say invention, I mean this literally. The Uranus factor is often the creation or discovery of self-awareness and self-acceptance that did not seem to exist before. There is an economic angle: the discovery that something you’ve been doing has a monetary value that you had not noticed before then, or had not accessed before then."

Well, my last day at work was June 11, and I would say that my self-esteem was pretty high around then, in fact had been since I gave my resignation back in April, when Chiron entered Pisces. But what is this 'economic angle, the discovery that somethin gyou've been doing has a monetary value that you had not noticed before...'? Is it my writing? I had been trying to journal seriously then, and working as much as I could with my dreams, with whatever energy and time I had left from working a full-time job. Was it the realization that writing could be a way of life AND livelihood for me?

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"Mars Retrograde: Work Smart, Not Hard
Contrary to the notion of Pisces as the lush, lazy slacker, astrology suggests that you radiate vitality: in particular, through your work and your drive for achievement. You have it in you to identify with your professional activities, and to shine in your chosen field. Your ability to get a job done is one of your most valuable assets; and you find your greatest stability in being productive and respected."

Hmmm... This is worthy of contemplation for me, as it was one of the big lessons I learned with my 2 year stint as department manager.

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"The easiest way to organize your energy is to aim for what you want; that turns out to be the easiest way to get what you want, and to accomplish what you want.

This has to do partly with how you manage your energy; and partly with how you define your purpose: both of which come back to your sense of value — mostly about yourself. In other words, when in doubt, ask if you’re worth the effort; or apply the effort and see if it changes your feeling of worth. Fortunately, this equation can work in either direction.

The energy reorganization attribute of Mars retrograde in Leo is about learning how to focus your desire in the here and now. I suggest you practice, when you remember — and practice remembering. This is the most efficient use of energy: to align with desire."

Interesting... I've only recently applied Osho's suggestion, to do only what pleases me, which, in the words of Eric Francis is as follows:

"There will be times when you have to communicate about this directly; and using the Law of Mars Retrograde, look inwardly for what you want; then state outwardly what you want. Your ability to do this is mingled with your ability to access your sense of self-worth. Mars retrograde is the time to get this energetic spine in alignment: desire >> intention >> statement of intention >> achievement."

Maybe I should put this on a fluorescent banner and post it on the wall...

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"Your desk, you can think of as your entire work life and creative process."

This I'll keep in mind for my dreamwork...

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"You may feel that it’s not in your nature to be competitive. You may feel like leadership is too much responsibility. You feel you’re too sensitive to handle too much responsibility. None of this is true, unless you make it true, which would be akin to making it up."

Damn!

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"By taking inner authority over yourself, you will have exceptionally strong influence in your relationships, which you do not have to push. You merely need to work with, work in service of, and recruit people to your cause. Without ‘appropriating’ the resources of others, you have a passport into the dimension where all resources on Earth exist as some form of shared resources, for the good of everyone."

"The world seems torn between the desire for revolution and the sense of how pointless it is to make a real effort. The truth is somewhere in between, and your job is to hold out the middle ground — the very wide middle ground — and allow for some of the better possibilities to manifest."

Aaahhh... The Middle Way... my Holy Grail...

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"You are likely to be feeling more optimistic than ever this year, though beneath that is your usual stalwart realism (of which the ‘dreamy’ quality of Pisces is often a defense mechanism).

What?!?? My shimmery dreamy world is only a defense mechanism, is not my 'real' nature?? I am a melt-in-your-mouth M&M with a practical peanut of 'stalwart realism' in the centre?!! How have I not known that my entire swimming-against-the-current life?! Damn and blast!!!

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"Chiron in Pisces is going to remind us that we have reached the end of one particular game, of one particular mode of existence, and that we must open the way for another."

More ominous AND optimistic have never been spoken in my little life than these...
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The following in on Gemini, as my ascendant, also for 2010:

"You don’t need to be right; you don’t need to be exact; you merely need to experience what you’re feeling and express yourself directly. All of your best virtues stem from simple authenticity.

An Authenticity Check

I would suggest that Mars retrograde in Leo is a moment to conduct an authenticity check, and to learn new skills that will help you be real, as well as gain the benefits of doing so, and to handle the issues that being real creates. The first of those may be insecurity: the feeling that beneath the appearances you present to the world, you live in a maze of doubt. Here, you need to be cautious about what I will call the self-inflicted issue. Doubt for you is like an echo chamber; the more you question, the more questions you hear.

This condition alone can cause you significant distress: in short, that results from the fear that you are not authentic enough, not worthy enough, not brave enough. I want to propose that there is a childhood situation that you can identify and work through that would help you resolve this situation, if you feel that it presents you with difficulties. One clue I can give you is rather than being something hidden and cryptic, this situation is obvious and so easy to see that you may have overlooked it.

I would propose that you were seen one way (by the adults and possibly your siblings), and felt a different way — and this created tension in your psyche, such as the fear of being ‘found out’."

Wow... this is chilling, and makes me hot under the collar at the same time... like picking off a scab to let out an abscess, shattering pain and relief at once...

And it IS so obvious that I have overlooked it all of my life (my soul is blushing to its roots right now). I WAS seen as the little wunderkind who could do no wrong, the shining first-born and star pupil, but in my wee tender heart I never felt the 'specialness' the adults around me were oozing all over about. I just wanted to play all day, with friends imaginary and real, but the rewards of success dangled like a candy store (carrots had less visceral appeal then) and it was, alas, within the grubby little reach of my burgeoning ego.

Inside, though, I felt hollow, like a balloon full of the hot air of not authentic enough, not worthy enough, not brave enough - the Never-Never-Enough Land I've lived in ever since. Still haven't burst that balloon yet...

And yes, I have been terrified of being 'found out' that I am NOTHING like what people thought of me (the good and courageous and talented), so whenever I failed, I proved to myself that I am indeed the pathetic, ordinary, empty husk I believed myself to be.

So, how to work through this obstacle to my authenticity?

Let go of this label I have given myself; it is no longer true. I have begun to shift and change and mature, and I am no longer a believer in how other people define and judge me to be. I am not the wunderkind, nor the high or low achiever, nor the good girl or bad daughter that others would have me think I am. I have been working hard to know myself, no one else has, and aside from my maker, I know me best. If I see my image reflected back to me as something I have not seen before, or something I dislike or disagree with, I know it to be my work to investigate and explore that image until I find the truth and the lesson in it. I have the resources of an adult to do that now. I am not stuck with any label, any image, anything that does not include my whole self.

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“For you, speaking, writing and moreover thinking well are the marks of an adult, and I want to remind you how vital it is that you feel competent and aligned with yourself in these aspects of life. It would be fair to say that this contains a holistic key for you: a key to your total wellbeing. That does indeed depend on the thoughts you think about yourself, which is your first environment — your mental environment. This extends from your senses to your psychological patterns into your immediate physical environment, such as your dwelling space and the neighborhood where it’s situated. See what you can learn from considering these as one environment.

Just like many speech impediments have their roots not in an ‘inability’ but rather in childhood emotional material, your struggle with words works in a similar way. You move between two layers: an expressive layer and a perfectionist one; or a layer of image and a layer of doubt; a layer of child and a layer of adult. Yet it is the space between them where your power, healing, and talent reside.”

What IS that space between them?? Is it the Middle Way, that which is both places, both extremes, both states, yet attached to neither? It’s where exchange happens, flow happens. But, we still need the two ends, the opposites, to define and delineate where the middle is… Duality describes a state; dualism, a belief.

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"While you’re considering some of the deeper aspects of how you appear on the monitor of your own mental process, consider what inputs are influencing that process. Find a few sources of annoyance in your environment and try shifting or removing them. Think back to your childhood and consider what about that environment both annoyed you and supported you. Consider how you may have felt powerless to change what you didn’t like. Do you still feel that sense of powerlessness? That information will give you clues for how you can adjust your mental environment now. In many ways your mental pattern is who you are — or rather, you become it, and it becomes you."

That childhood environment of praise and reward set me up to become addicted to achievement, success according to others, and the ever-elusive goal of pleasing others as a way of survival and acceptance and love. I learned to criticize and judge, doubt and demean myself (and others), then inflate myself with arrogance and superiority as a way of balance. On the other hand, this same environment brought me out into the ring as a fighter, trusting in whatever resources I thought I had, and forced me to take on responsibilities that I loathe to ever take on, although I don’t think I ever learned to truly accept responsibility for anyone other than myself, at least not with grace… Certainly I still feel the childhood powerlessness in being forced to take on responsibility that I don’t want, to shoulder the burden of being an achiever, a good performer, of being a good spouse, family member, healer, citizen, and socially-integrated human being. Of being useful and therefore worthy. Responsibility has become, to me, the long yardstick by which I am measured against. And I’ve spent my life between wanting to check where I’m at according to that stick, and breaking it.

How can this child be healed?

I think she has begun to heal, this child of mine, by my letting go of responsbilities I do not want, and accepting ones that I do want. Not with regret or resignation, not with rancour and powerlessness. Not out of fear of compromise or obligation, but out of love and joy from the flow and exchange of energy in connecting and relating. For that I would gladly and easily carry the responsibility of tending the garden of growth and delight of my soul. I am an adult now, I have the power to choose my responsibilities. Truly.

Another nugget for dreamwork: "deeper aspects of how you appear on the monitor of your own mental process" - for when I dream of screens and monitors, consider them as media for my mental processes and their images, if any are shown.

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“Can you imagine a life where you don’t fight yourself? Can you imagine a life where you are who you are, and nothing else, no matter what anyone else thinks? I suggest you practice every day, because if you do, the time will arrive shortly when you have the opportunity to create precisely that for yourself. Yes, to manifest this you will need to maintain balance, and keep your focus on the many seemingly different angles of integrity maintenance. Yet these are designed to get one result: you admitting to, and living, your personal truth as a fully open gesture in the world.”

I think I am on my way to living my real life as the real me, now, a year later… A fully open gesture in the world, mmm, how marvelously refreshing…

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“On Feb. 8, Chiron will return to Pisces, where it will stay until it begins its process of entering Aries in 2018.

Neptune will exit Aquarius and touch the shore of Pisces on April 4, 2011, staying for a four-month visit. Then in 2012 it will re-enter Pisces to stay until 2025-26. This brief visit of Neptune is another harbinger of the 2012 era, representing a distinct shift in the spiritual vibration of the planet and a new phase of what we can call the history of our inner lives. This influence may overwhelm some; to others it will feel like flushing fresh water into a dry lake.

You can think of Chiron as the boat, the vessel which includes such tools as perception, analysis, documentation and -- most significantly -- boundaries.

It's as if Chiron and Neptune are helping us reach aspects of soul awareness and Uranus in Aries is helping us project our life force through our personality and body. Together, these transits -- which last for years -- will help many people wake up to the beauty of existence, to life and to participating in the changes that the world is going through."

I can certainly attest to that...

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"So it's a good thing that we have Uranus in Aries reminding us to wake up to who we are. Now, here is a clue about 2012. That's the year that Uranus moving through Aries first meets Pluto moving through Capricorn. This is called the Uranus-Pluto square. This is part of the cycle that delivers some of the most radical astrology ever documented by historians -- the astrology of revolution and of revelation. Think of how this is developing -- society changing, perhaps seeming like it's 'failing', while at the same time individuals are awakening to our creative power, one at a time getting into the process of creation and change.

The Uranus-Pluto square describes the place where radical self-awareness (Uranus in Aries) meets the vast and sweeping changes that the world is going through (Pluto in Capricorn). We all know the world is changing, and we all know that many of us feel a profound need to rethink who we are and find our role, our place of participation, our point of influence. We may feel driven by passion (Aries) and practical needs (Capricorn) as part of an urgent series of awakening events. The thing to do in the midst of it all is to feel: to be present with your feelings, and to notice what your senses are telling you.

Uranus in Aries is here to light the fire of self, and Chiron and Neptune are here to guide us across the ocean of our soul."

And so we have the general gist of the prophecy for 2012...