Seeing Neediness

Reading Growing Youself Back Up: Understanding Emotional Regression by John Lee, where he talked about the needs in a relationship, and I feel I need to ask the question in my own relationships, What do I need most from Michael/my dad/my mom/my sister/Nemo, etc.? What do they need most from me?




• What I need from Michael is more resonance, such as when he gives me insights or answers to my deeper questions about my dreams, not only did I feel it hit the mark, I also felt understood and reciprocated on the soul level. I want this kind of resonance on all levels. This is my idea of a soulmate.
• What (I think) he needs from me is more show (especially verbally) of unconditional love and acceptance, and reassurance that I will not give up on him or our relationship no matter what.

• What I need from my dad is...
• What (I think) he needs from me is...

• What I need from my mom is...
• What (I think) she needs from me is...

• What I need from my sister is...
• What (I think) she needs from me is...

• What I need from Nemo is...
• What (I think) he needs from me is...

It occurs to me that it is possible one is getting what one needs from the other in the relationship, but could not see it through the filters one has (rose-tinted or otherwise), that it is not to one’s expectation of what it should look like...

In the book, John Lee mentioned that what we do give the other in the relationship is often what we want from the other person. In my case the example would be, I give Michael lots of what I consider feedback and solutions to a problem, to show him that I heard and understood, and want to help with suggestions or action. These are the indications of ‘resonance’ I want from him. And similarly, he gives me what he needs from me.

I think Mr. Lee has hit on a very simple and elegant yet laser-like method of finding out what the needs are in a relationship, and quite possibly also a way to guage the ‘success’ of the relationship.

What is unspoken but implicit in the pairs of statements above is that one is NOT getting enough of what one needs from the other in the relationship, but knowing with some clarity once these statements are written and/or acknowledged, it certainly gives you pause, at first, then a chance to weigh your options after the following questions are answered:

Can I and do I want to try and meet the needs of the other in the relationship?
Can I and ought I to talk to them about it?
And finally – Will they try to meet mine?

It also brings forth another question for me: Does every relationship have needs? Or, Can there be a relationship without needs? For example, if Nature does not need anything from me, or I do not need anything from Nature, can we still relate? I think not, there will be no need for a relationship. And if that’s the case, then it is not that neediness is unhealthy in a relationship, but that the needs are met reciprocally, throughout the ebbs and fluxes, feast or famine, balance is always sought and attained. Every relationship is then co-dependent or interdependent by nature, the dependency is what the bond is made of, but love can grow out of that bond as well as hate, it depends (pun!) on what each of us brings to the relationship, and what kind of work we are willing to put into it.

So, co-dependancy must imply an imbalance, otherwise it wouldn’t be the bad guy it has been labeled as in popular psychology. Depending on each other to fulfil our needs is a big part of what brought us together and keeps us together in a relationship, until, of course, such time when we are able to heal ourselves enough to draw upon our own inner resources of course, but fortunately and unfortunately, we mortals seldom attain such perfect self-sufficiency without a hefty price to pay. This, our neediness in all of our relationships – individual, communal, universal – is the web that holds us together. Although it is true not all that glitters is gold that’s clinging to the web, even when it is cruel and destructive, it is still full of the kind of power and beauty that can floor us, as long as we can find meaning in it or from it. But meaning is personal and can only be had when we see it or feel it with our deepest self. Looking at needs in a relationship this way takes the judgment and prejudice out of it, and you could say that as long as balance is maintained in the meeting of those needs in a relationship, no one outside the said relationship ought to interfere or intercede, even in the case of what we judge to be abuse. This is the way all the rest of Nature operates, so is it wise for us humans to believe and behave otherwise?

We can act with equal love and compassion toward the abused AND the abuser, as both are victims, make help available to each by way of healing their deepest wounds, for there can be no doubt that these wounds are the cause of all of the imbalance and abuse in their relationship. NEVER exercise any power over the making or breaking of their relationship, even if it means life and death, for we have no right nor dominion over that either, as they say in the Bible. But I fear that in our quest for order and control and power we have crossed that line most self-righteously and irrevocably. Nevertheless I have faith that Nature still holds the ace-in-the-hole, that ultimately we are not in charge or control of anything, and I thank God and Goddess for that.