Soul Unrest

Got home from the Ghost Dance on the weekend, a bit sleep-deprived and stirred-up from my time there...

On the home-stretch along Lakeshore we ran into major traffic congestion and some ridiculous detours dued to a marathon race and almost couldn’t get home as our part of the Beaches was totally closed. Michael was his usual wound-up-tighter-than-a-$2-watch-self while driving and I finally blew up...

While stuck eating exhaust, I thought about the irony of the situation, how we begin with some pure and peerless intention such as a marathon, whether it is for competition or charity, we believed in our ‘cause’. And I would hazard to say that many of the people involved are also as environmentally-conscious and forward-thinking as the next person, but somehow we do not foresee nor register some of the consequences of a ‘noble’ cause such as this, even though most of our citizens are familiar with them by now. How much emission of CO2 and greenhouse gas has been released into the atmosphere because of the traffic congestion caused by the marathon due to road closures, detours and restrictions? Is it worth while in the big picture of our collective health to have done this? Could it have been thought out and organized with a more wholistic view in mind, and have the route, say, run along the boardwalk instead of a major thoroughfare, or does that defeat the purpose of the mother organization (in this case the Scotiabank) to blatantly advertise and covertly whitewash its name? Does anyone see and care, I wonder...

Why, as human beings, our intentions are often good but seldom pure? I ask this as a rhetorical question now, but I think it’ll serve me better to try and answer it sincerely after some deeper reflections later...
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The Ghost Dance felt very different than the Warrior Dance a month ago. The energy was much heavier and fractious, not uplifting and cohesive like the Warrior Dance. Perhaps it is the nature of the Ghost Dance but I am told that every ceremony every time is different. Michael said that all the ancestors ceremonies, of which the Ghost Dance is a big if not biggest one, feel very dark and burdensome and overwhelmingly negative to him. I suppose it has to do with our ancestral baggage being dragged out from the attic into the light of day, and demanding to be claimed and returned to its rightful place...

I was tired and short-fused without any apparent cause, and wanted to leave the first night. Time dragged, whereas time flew and most of the time my whole being did too during the Warrior Dance. The thought came to me several times during the weekend that I am done with coming to the Fire, although I felt it came out of something more than just the energy of the moment. I will wait and see how it unfolds for the next while. When I mentioned it to Michael, he said he feels the same way. Perhaps this door is closing and another one is opening...?

In spite of this, I was happy to see and be with all the people that came, that new sense of communion which came while serving at the Warrior Dance is still very much with me. It refreshes my heart and being to be amidst the beauty and love of these people I’ve come to know, even those who were new to me: Michael, Jessica, Samantha and Joachim, 4 young people from diverse backgrounds but drawn to the Fire as always, by the same truth-seeking spirit we all came with.

Michael Ware carried a message from his mother, Audri Scott Williams, who felt the call to step into the role of a human rights activist and amongst other initiatives, started the 13 Moon Walk for Peace around the world. Their slogan is: GIVING VISIBILITY TO THE INVISIBLE AND VOICE TO THE VOICELESS. I felt deeply moved by the message as well as the messenger, as many did in the Lodge after he spoke. Many have come to the Fire and planted seeds, and now we are stronger by yet another planting. But I sensed a level of disheartened cynicism and despair in this young man from Maryland, who has seen much in and around the world of the injustices and indignities of life, and I pray wholeheartedly that his faith and spirit will keep him buoyant and strong, just as I hope for all of us.
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The unrest I have been feeling lately is with me still, perhaps even more acute now after the Ghost Dance, although I don’t know if the dance was a contributing factor.

I had gone to the dance with the intention of asking my ancestors for help with grounding and manifesting in the physical and material, of connecting and living fully in my body, and recovering my selfhood. Finding my feet, as it occurs to me now, and standing firmly in them, then walking into the world and wherever my path takes me.

Is the anguish I am experiencing the kind the Little Mermaid felt after she committed to trading her immortality for human feet to walk in her mortal destiny? Will I find spiritual immortality in the end too, if I can surrender to love and life as she did??

My body tells me to just sit with the discomfort of the unrest, without trying to gain insight into it. The final word is, do nothing until I tell you to. Drop your mind into your body if it starts to kick up a fuss.