Changes, Passages, Virtues & Vices

I feel as if some subtle but major changes are turning over inside me, some small movement where there was only slumber. Even though I have been working towards change to greater and less degrees for a few years now, in the last day or two there is a sense of something ‘different’ arising.

Last night while lying in bed I thought about ‘the way we write’, how it needs to feel ‘right’ for the writer/artist, and for the reader/target audience, too. Unless you are writing only for yourself, your voice is always heard by someone else, even if it is only, as they say, from your mouth to God’s ear. That seems to me, to be how nature always completes the loop; when there’s a cause, there follows an effect; when there’s a transmitter, there’s a receptor, even when we cannot always see it. Nature always completes the picture, however long it takes. Not only that, the picture is always harmonious in the end. It may not necessarily be what we perceive as happy ending, but there is always a sense of peace, of resolution, of the pieces that were flying before now falling into place – a sense of 'rightness'.

You could say there is really no ‘end’ if it is a loop, and that is true. In the greater scheme of things there is no ending nor beginning. It is only because human lives are finite that we conceive of finiteness. What would our world be like if we do not have that concept? I imagine we would breathe a huge collective sigh of relief, let go of fear the size of the North American continent, and maybe, just maybe, free ourselves from the black-and-white absolutes of fundamental beliefs that have limited the human race for so long.
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Just read about ‘owning’ your own feelings, and I ask myself, do I own my feelings? I don’t, usually. More often than not, I’m not even aware of disowning them. The switch has been on the OFF position for so long that I’ve forgotten it.
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Well, my feet are nearly back to their usual selves, but my upper palate starting from the gumline is now swollen. First the bottom, now the top too. Perhaps I’m having some internal reflowing, which is different than restructuring, because it is more about flushing, washing, cleansing, draining, re-establishing channels of flow where there was drought or stagnation, putting out the flames of inflammation, and connecting a lot of dots in my entire being, with the flow of fluids. And perhaps the new moon in Libra will bring the balance necessary for my state of being.

Both Michael and I have had ‘downloading’ symptoms post-Warrior Dance: fatigue, nausea or churning in stomach/solar plexus, reduced appetite. Even Nemo has been somewhat not-himself. Yesterday he was actually LATE for his mealtimes all day – this NEVER happens – normally he’s right on time or earlier, and last night he actually stopped chasing his crunchies and went to his bed voluntarily. When we went to bed he came in, got in beside Michael for some cuddling, and slept there the whole night. Un-usual. Perhaps we are all feeling the cosmic churnings of seasonal change, celestial placements, and ceremonial energy...
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I wonder if they have rites of passage for all stages of life at the Fire? I haven’t seen nor heard of any, but it would be so wonderful to have...
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I am reading a passage in John Lee’s Growing Yourself Back up about a young man who had regressed into believing John was the father who never paid him any attention when he was a child, never ‘saw’ him. He was upset and angry at John for not making eye contact with him the whole morning. After going through the Detour Method with one of the senior staff there, he was able to see his regression. As I read this, I felt my heart open and my tear ducts followed. In my head I think, wow, I’ve become so easily moved by even little stories like this... I guess the best way to heal my conflict with heart types is by becoming one.

Speaking of Enneatypes, I did what I do once in a while and checked up on myself by reading the basic description – virtues and vices, as they are called – to see whether I’ve made any self-improvement. Well, taking into consideration my personal bias (that it’s difficult to see yourself), my self-assessment tells me that what I’ve really improved on is: Stay with people and ideas long enough to discover their gifts. I would give myself an A for this one. The other vices,

• Cultivate self discipline and focus
• Follow through
• Make commitments and keep them
• Listen deeply. Stay in the present moment
• Be willing to be with pain and not just try to fix it.

Well, I may be better with these than I was, say 5 or 10 years ago, but if I’m honest with myself I would have to admit that I still break out into a rash when I hear the “D” word (discipline), and my stomach clenches reflexively when the “C” word (commitment) is mentioned. It’s not that I can’t be disciplined or commit, it is that as soon as they are dished out to be as such, I feel this big iron cage drop down over me and bolts are immediately driven into the floor, with high-voltage currents running through the metal bars but never high enough to kill me. This plunks me smack in the middle of the core fear of the 7: trapped, in pain forever, because I can’t even die as an escape. Sounds like a past-life trauma... hmmm...

Commitment, and Discipline. My life’s work is cut out for me with these 2 words.

Words for Michael (O’Perfectionist) are: Playful, Serenity, and Surrender.