A Couple of Bugs

Some part of me is resisting the idea of my supposed return to healing work with others. Is it the work itself, or the people, or the sense of burden that’s nagging like a sore tooth? I am not rejoicing at this news from my unconscious, of this change I can feel to be imminent. I can’t even accept it entirely…

Hmmm… it’s none of the 3 things I mentioned… It is the fear that I will be giving away too much of my time, my energy, my focus, and not have enough left for myself. The last 7 months have been the most devoted I have ever been to myself, and I have, still am, enjoying this little personal retreat immensely. None of the work I have ever done in my life has captivated me so completely, mind, body, and soul, nor given me such deep satisfaction and joy, even if i didn't make a cent from it. I suppose I don’t feel as if I’m near finished or ready to trade it in for some other occupation yet. I love this life that I have now and I don’t want to give it up. There, that’s how I feel. So here’s hoping, and trusting, that I won’t have to give it up, or, if I have to give it up, I will not experience it as a loss, but a change for something even better.

On the subject of what’s bugging me, what is it about Nancie that still irks me whenever the memory of her bumps up against the pier of my mind like an unsinkable old tire? Is it something in me that’s being mirrored? Yes… It is that she sold out so completely, so willingly it seems, to patriarchal rule, just as I had in my younger days, and echoes of that betrayal of myself are still reverberating, and not as faintly as I would’ve liked. I hate that she reminds me of that naïve and ignorant traitor that I was, so full of myself, yet not realizing that it was only hot air I was full of—full of nothing—there’s the oxymoron of the century. I hate that I still crave approval from ‘my father’. I hate that in myself, that daddy’s girl.

What am I to do with her, Great Spirit? Ought I to give her more time? Let her be? Help her grow up? Take her away from daddy? No, no, no. Allow her to grow up. Withhold judgment, and surrender her to Source (i.e. don’t worry about her, don’t try to fix her). Okay, okay. Thank you.