'Getting' Surrender

Down by the lake... big waves roiling up the shore in a tight roll, dropping 2 words at my feet: In company. I pondered this, squinting my mind down the years of my life, I saw that even though I’ve always thought myself a loner, always tripping by myself along the edge of the road, when in fact I’ve NEVER been alone. Never been without human company, in mind or body, and I know now that I’ve never been without divine company either. How could I claim to yearn for solitude, when I’ve never ever been alone. Never want a drink of water, ‘til the wells run dry.

The sky darkens along the boardwalk, R.’s face from my dream floats into my mind, a lighter, gentler face. I wondered why it keeps coming to me. There’s something expectant in his eyes, as if he’s almost urgently waiting to tell me something. Something I really need to know. What does he represent to me, in me? More than the first awakening of passion, it was the intensity of feelings, the depth of my surrender. The more I surrendered, the freer I felt, and the more I freed myself, the more alive I felt. It was the acute and immense aliveness that I had never experienced before, and never since. That complete capitulation and giving in of oneself can feel so good surprised and delighted me to the core. And I miss it terribly.

Surrender -> Freedom -> Aliveness

I was on fire inside and out, and I cared not a jot even if it were to consume me. I just wanted to keep burning bright. (Was that what is meant by joie de vivre?) I know now that it can happen only when masculine and feminine energy come together, each surrender into the other, and wholeness, Oneness, is manifested. I must allow my feminine to surrender herself to my masculine, and vice versa, an unconditional surrender.

For 2 years now I’ve been talking about surrender, trying to surrender, perhaps I’ve finally made it into the ballpark?