My First Yoga Nidra Practice

TWILIGHT: A scene from a bad breakup came floating up from the depths, beckoning me to do something... It’s one I’ve gone over at least a dozen times, but I’ll dig down again... Need my body to help me with this...

It’s not the pain nor the trauma, it’s not the rejection nor the humiliation, it’s not something I need to heal either... It is something I need to let go, the feeling that I am undesirable, not good enough, and the powerlessness it left me with, as if there’s nothing I can do about it, all I could do is give up and slunk away. This experience has knocked the wind out of my sails in a big way, and apparently I’ve never recovered...

My body, how do I let this all go, I do not feel I know how? I’ve had images and a sense of being stabbed in the heart from the front and the back since that time, though i've done healing work on that. But I can feel now that it was also a heavy kick to my gut, and I am down on my knees hugging myself, trying to get my next breath. Have I been like this all this time?! Is this why I’ve grown a thicker and thicker layer of padding over my belly? I’ve lost a big chunk of myself – my self-confidence and image and personal will. I feel like crying in self-pity and shock, I had no idea I’d lost so much.

My body knew, and carried it all this time. Please help me let it go now. But what is it that I need to let go? The powerlessness. Yoga nidra. I will play my new yoga nidra CD by Richard Miller now.

When we began, my whole body felt unsettled, as if I’m straining against some small but pervasive restraints, like Oliver being tied down by the tiny people. There was a knot of tightness like a dense ball in my solar plexus, and my forehead felt tense. As we moved into sensing the opposites, I could feel more ‘stuff’, like straw sticking out here and there, in my left side; my right side felt more clear and empty. I felt calmness in the interior of my lower back, and anger in my forearms. When instructed to see my personality walking into a party in front me, I saw a tall beautiful young woman, the typical fashion model type, but sassy and confident without arrogance, ready to engage with the crowd with equanimity. She carried a natural self-possession without need of exaggeration or diminution. She completely accepts herself as is. She knows she is beautiful and desirable, because she has always been. She hasn’t had to do a thing about it.

I don’t know whether I was instructed to do this next part by the CD, but taking the stance of the observer and seeing parts of myself at a distance, I suddenly saw the powerlessness I carried as a big lump of whitish tissue, something between brain and dense fat, something I held in my hands like a ball of dough. I knew then that I could now let this go. I surrendered it to the universe with my thanks and blessing, and where the dense ball in my solar plexus was, there is now empty space. This is where I can integrate the glowing natural beauty of my self-confidence, the radiance of my personal will, a vision of lovableness.

I am deeply grateful for this healing, for yoga nidra, for Richard Miller, my body, and Source.

It also occurred to me that this powerlessness I carried began a long time ago, but it manifested as padding on my body when I started to try and hide it, and has been building up ever since. I think of the people I know who are slender in the waist, and even though pretty much everyone experiences powerlessness, these people wore their powerlessness on the outside. They did not try to appear strong or tough or unaffected, instead they express their feelings of powerlessness, although this may not necessarily be a conscious choice. The Tuberculars (a miasm in homeopathy) are probably of this presentation, that’s why they tend to be slender to emaciated. But the powerlessness in their case pathologizes as grief and sadness, causing them to drown, in their lungs.

During the session I also had a sudden insight, that Michael does empathize with me, on the deep personal level, that he accepts and encourages and supports me wholeheartedly in this time of change. I am truly blessed.