My Environmental Phobia - Part 1

Monday, August 16, 2010

No dream recall, but did a session of yoga nidra. The thought came that I had asked for help with healing my ‘other people taking up too much space’ issue last night, which was brought on by a 3 couples blocking most of the boardwalk while discussing and fawning over each other's dogs and their own, a phenomenon frequently seen in the Beaches. It reminded me also that I feel the same huge flare-up of anger when there’s a screaming child around. In both scenarios I feel my space has been invaded, my right imfringed upon, and my peace threatened, but I know these are frontline defenses, and not the real cause. Do the 2 scenarios have the same cause? My body says no. I’ll have to go into each separately.

In the first situation, as I drop deeper into the feelings and sensations, I see the offenders as arrogant fatcats who think they have a god-given birthright to take as they will, who are impervious to other people’s needs and suffering. The rights of the feudal lords who, even without meaning to, can oppress those lower born. Many of my ancestors were born into and lived a mule-like existence, powerless against their fate, until one day the bitter bile rose too high to swallow anymore, and one by one they joined each other in the name of their common suffering, and finally a revolution is born. Just as it’s been done many times before and will be again, the under-privileged and over-oppressed are united by the basic animal desire for freedom, freedom to choose how they want to live their lives, and to pass it on as a legacy to their children.

Did they win their battles? History shows us that some were won, though many were lost, but I’m not interested in statistics. I am incontrovertible proof that they won in the end, their bloodshed and losses were not in vain, for I live today as the privileged and free, empowered with the right to choose how I wish to live my life. But I carry in me still, the all-consuming rage, resentment and despair of those of my forebearers who died without ever tasting freedom, the debt to their disenfranchized spirit unpaid.

Today I mourn for the losses they endured, the sacrifices they’ve made on behalf of their descendants, on my behalf. So I honour you, my many ancestors, and I am deeply grateful for all that you’ve done to carve out this path that I am on, it has come such a long way. I do not know how to repay this debt except with my own life, to live my life as authentically, creatively, and fully human as possible, and to share with you in spirit, the immense joy, peace, gratitude, and fulfillment that is our true birthright. I know you will be there with me as you are with me now, and I vow to you that I will do my very best to heal our wounds, tend to our spirits, and move us towards wholeness.

I can feel energy and power pulsing and flowing from my hands and arms into my body and down my legs, where it goes it opens and expands and enlarges me.

Am I ready now for the second issue? No. Later.