A Zen Moment

Did a 10-minute meditation this morning, it went by so fast. A thought came during the meditation: “I’m not a flower. Are you a flower?” This I said to the zen teaching that in time and with practice the self will disappear, the witness will disappear, then there is only the flower, or the tree, or the room that was there in front of you. I wondered then, will I be the flower when that happens?

When I had that moment of oneness on the beach of the Mayan Riviera 11 years ago, my self disappeared, and I was everything—the ocean, the night sky, all the stars, the wind, the darkness—without boundary, without will or desire. But I did not feel as if i became the ocean or the sky or the stars. I was what all of them together was, one thing, one being. What I experienced was the biggest picture I ever saw, not the minutest details of one object.

We are given what we need the most.

The Grit in the Centre

As is now my ‘pattern’, the notion that came in half-sleep last night was that there is something even deeper than what I call my core fear of insufficiency—I am not enough, the grit in the centre that is causing the fear as well as everything that’s out of balance in me: the split between I and Other. This separation has been my defense and my malaise since I suppose, the moment of the proverbial Paradise Lost. (See how I have to show off what I know, in case anyone, most of all I myself, think I am ordinarily dumb? Narcissus worshiping at the altar of Artifice…uggh!)

It occurs to me that what’s been surfacing and tumbling around in me this past week is the real review of not only 2010, but the last decade for me. It’s been 10 years of exorcism and rededication of my self—broken, re-broken, reassembled—to the sacred source of my origin, and this resanctification continues, over and over. The image of Prometheus’ liver being eaten by birds and regenerating day after day for eternity comes to mind—the cycle of anabolism and catabolism as well—parallels this process of being unmade and remade that my life is engaged in. Surprisingly, somehow, I am not rattled by the pain and suffering of the image…

The Spiral

I’ve been through it before,

I know
the pain of the
Promethean liver
eaten day after
pleading day for death
hanging
by a neuron
of sanity on the
edge

of eternal
madness. But
I also know
the healing balm of
joy

that follows, in
the swale of that flow
of lava. And

I know too, that
it does get better,
as they say, when
bit by tiny bit you
recover
more of yourself
with each
lash of the
spiral.
___________

But what about this separateness vs. oneness war that is hellbent on rending me asunder? And I am hot and bothered from trying to get the zipper done up on this rift. Do I leave it with you, again, Source? Stop the wriggling around and gnashing of teeth. Go pile stones and chill…

Mantra of Stones

Return to centre,
return to
Dao.

Stack stones.

Digging Down...

Friday, January 28, 2011

There is a layer of artifice in myself I must penetrate, as thin and transparent as it might be, for that is its disguise. I have been aware of its presence for some time now, but mostly the awareness came and went, until I began to write poetry lately, until I began to strive to be a poet and kept hitting a wall once I get a few lines into it. I think now, that the wall is my artifice. It is the same glass wall that was in my dream a few days ago, of being with 3 love interests in a glass building, then watching them leave through the glass revolving door with other women.
__________

Blew my stack, again, at Michael, over the seemingly trivial issue of household chores, my old thorn of contention. How many times have I been here? Dozens? Hundreds? I told him that if I could, I would move out and live by myself, never to clean up or take care of anyone else again. He was hurt and stormed out. So here I am, alone, sitting in the fall-out and checking for survivors…

My soul, what do you want?

Solitude, silence, stillness. Relationship without attachment, in the spiritual sense.

What does that mean…?

………

So I wrote him this email:

“I am being triggered, so I am regressing where this issue is concerned. Therefore I need you to be here completely, or as much as you can, in this moment, in all of your maturity and vision. We can live without each other, of course, we are old enough to know that, and we are tougher than we like to believe. But we won’t be happy with the hole it leaves, because we are not enlightened beings who are whole. We are still struggling with missing pieces of ourselves and have need of someone else to bridge those gaps for us. Aside from that so-called co-dependency, which is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing because it does provide nurture, we also share. This is the deeper core, or the spine, of the body of our relationship. I know this is the part that counts, this is the part that’s rare. Without this part, this core, there is no relationship, at least not one that matters to me. So when you mentioned love, I am hoping this is what you see, deep down inside, beyond the physical attachment and conventional notion of love.

In my dark corner, I am struggling to bring some light to the question:

If our relationship is a whole body, and this problem I have is an illness which has just displayed its symptoms, then I want to know, is it just an allergic reaction, like a skin rash, or is it pre-cancerous? I think it’s not too late, right now, to commit to working on it, to reverse the symptoms. This is the question I am asking myself, because it feels the most important. It is a question to myself first, but you are a part of the answer.”

Perhaps I am still side-stepping the real issue rumbling underground, but I think I’m at least being honest about where I am with this, and where I am in my whole process right now… Make way, for the auger*…

~~~~~~~~~

* the "auger" refers to an image I had while writing the following poem a few days ago:

My Addiction

I wanted to look at
my unhappiness as
an addiction, but I knew
that
in using a label I am
putting the whole ball
of wax—teeth, hair, claws and all—
into a ready-made mould.

It is a perspective, one
defined by other people’s
ideas of addiction, but it
also stops me from seeing
it any other way. Peeling

back the label then, there is
just the usual yawning
chasm of a black nothing.
I’ve stood on this precipice many times,
looking down into its indifference. It is
oddly quiet
and still,
and I am calm
in the absence of anything.

I’ll stay here for a while,
navel-gaze at this black hole
inside me…

There seems to be, in the middle
distance, a shape that’s sharply conical,
tapering down into the vastness, its
lines glinting barely, but clearly
in my mind. There’s something
surgical about it, as if it’s capable
of boring with immeasurable precision
into the densest, hardest dark. I wonder

what such an instrument is
doing in the bowels
of my nothingness. It is as still
as everything else is here, and
I know it’s never been set
into motion, never been used.

Ought I to turn it on
then, as it seems to imply
a depth that I hadn’t known
was there, unplumbed. (Who’s
ever heard of a deep that comes
with its own auger?) Uncertainty
sparks around my head, it is the air
that I draw, the gap between me
and my greatness. It is
the negative matter this
hole is made of.

Uncertainty.

The sucking mud of paradise
lost that is now frozen. My
selfhood in it trapped
like fish from the last
age, mid-gasp.

It is the source of coldness in me,
what you turn away from.

I am mortalized
in discontent.

If only I could turn
myself inside out, bring
the black hole of nothingness
into the light of day, it would
become the mantle of
nothingness I could wear
on lonely treks
along the Middle Way.

The auger whirs,
virgin metal winking
in collusion.

It’s time to go down. Are you
ready?

Poem & Koan

Unmake Me

In half sleep it came
with an untidy jolt
that before anything else ought to be contemplated
I must
unlearn—

all that I hold
all that I know
all that I have invested
treasured and venerated

language and words
art and sensibility
sacred and the profane
indeed—
how I stand, how
I take my place in
the order and orientation
of all things created

the clay pot that I am
in a long line of vessels
is taken up by an unseen hand
dropped

in a heartbeat
shattered

in front of my own witness
I knew then

the worst
and the best
all the rest

have yet to come.

~~~~~

So I am to be unmade, broken into pieces and reconfigured into a new design for a ‘new’ vessel, as I was once before. Or so I thought… Perhaps this is how it goes, how we are renewed, life after life, life within life. Remembering still the pain of dismemberment the last time, I can only pray that this time, it might mercifully be a process less protracted, IF I can surrender to it with less of a fight, and more stillness.

Ready. Set. Stop.

___________

A koan for myself:

What would I say, if I meet myself face to face?

How did you sleep? Did you
dream about me
as I dreamed about you?

May I?

greet you
with hands that arent’ my own
behold you
with eyes never opened before
arrest you
with a heart more tender
than the one I’ve always known

You see,
I’ve kept the best
the truest
of myself
for you

just for this moment

when I knew
that I would meet you
beyond the veil
chronos into chiros

again and again—

in the faces of
strangers that
I meet.

The Impact of No Impact Man

Watched the movie “No Impact Man”, a young NYC family’s oddyssey into leaving as little environmental impact as possible for a year. I feel inspired anew, and very touched by their humanness—their doubts and fears, the myriad issues —personal, political, practical, spiritual—that were stirred up along with the compost and soul search. The bigger point for me is, they stayed the course in spite of feeling failure, criticism, lack of support and understanding, and never came across (at least on film) as embittered or holier-than-thou segregationists. Instead, they reconnected with Nature and their ancestors, matured and broadened their community, and of course, brought far-reaching and lasting impact on everyone who heard or saw their process, including me. They heeded a call deep down, and took the journey, as well as the risks. Do I have that kind of courage and conviction and freshness of spirit, to stand up and act on behalf of my convictions? That’s the question I am asking myself tonight, that I am taking into my dreams.

The impact of no-impact... I feel the Daoists would greatly approve.

Zen, Liver, & Spring

Did my first zen meditation this morning, to a book and CD by John Daido Loori. Since then I have been walking around and now sitting with a lot of fractiousness. Was it brought up by the meditation? Are these things I need to address? Now I remember that I had woken up in the night—during the liver hours—with a strange and unsettling feeling of being a bit off the ‘ground’, hovering, and the discomfort was like a small tongue of fear or anxiety, poking tentatively out of its dark, familiarly enclosed space inside clam shells. It isn’t free-floating but fixed, and I couldn’t get a handle on it for as long as I tried to in the night, but now I sense it is a fear of the unknown.

Does the first tiny shoot of spring awake to this fear, after its indeterminably long sleep in the dormant darkness? If it does it is compelled nevertheless to reach for the light above and the water below. Growth and expansion are intrinsic in the cycles of nature, fear or no fear. Because love is what is inherent in creation. It is in our molecules and energy and spirit. It is always there.

I am, in this moment, that tiny shoot and timid tongue, on the brink of an unknowable journey and unimaginable change, and the detachment from the solace of all that I have and all that I’ve known is becoming a bed of nails under my skin.

Nothing to be done about it, though, until the tides of spring come, to push me on and out.

2 Poems

Snowblindness

What has life to tell me today?
Outside there is a small snowing
fury, more light than there
really is because of the
refracting whiteness.
Imagine
if snow was red
or blue or black,
or rainbow. How
different our winter psyche
would be.

Stop the struggle,
Life says.
__________

My Addiction

I wanted to look at
my unhappiness as
an addiction, but I knew
that
in using a label I am
putting the whole ball
of wax—teeth, hair, claws and all—
into a ready-made mould.

It is a perspective, one
defined by other people’s
ideas of addiction, but it
also stops me from seeing
it any other way. Peeling

back the label then, there is
just the usual yawning
chasm of a black nothing.
I’ve stood on this precipice many times,
looking down into its indifference. It is
oddly quiet
and still,
and I am calm
in the absence of anything.

I’ll stay here for a while,
navel-gaze at this black hole
inside me…

There seems to be, in the middle
distance, a shape that’s sharply conical,
tapering down into the vastness, its
lines glinting barely, but clearly
in my mind. There’s something
surgical about it, as if it’s capable
of boring with immeasurable precision
into the densest, hardest dark. I wonder

what such an instrument is
doing in the bowels
of my nothingness. It is as still
as everything else is here, and
I know it’s never been set
into motion, never been used.

Ought I to turn it on
then, as it seems to imply
a depth that I hadn’t known
was there, unplumbed. (Who’s
ever heard of a deep that comes
with its own auger?) Uncertainty
sparks around my head, it is the air
that I draw, the gap between me
and my greatness. It is
the negative matter this
hole is made of.

Uncertainty.

The sucking mud of paradise
lost that is now frozen. My
selfhood in it trapped
like fish from the last
age, mid-gasp.

It is the source of coldness in me,
what you turn away from.

I am mortalized
in discontent.

If only I could turn
myself inside out, bring
the black hole of nothingness
into the light of day, it would
become the mantle of
nothingness I could wear
on lonely treks
along the Middle Way.

The augur whirs,
virgin metal winking
in collusion.

It’s time to go down. Are you
ready?

How Things Flow

Just had another bathtub epiphany, well, it happened just after I stepped out of the shower…

I saw suddenly, just how the energies of 2 opposites flow and balance is achieved, in the way the wealthy West pays great sums of money each year for the privilege of having a retreat in the often impoverished but earthier and soulful parts of this planet. A retreat from the rat race of our lofty aspirations and relentless pursuits, a retreat from selling our soul each day in the marketplace for status quo. For that, we are more than willing to shell out what it takes for a little reprieve, a deeper breath or two, perhaps even a chance to recover a piece of our broken spirit. Although we are not usually aware of this balancing mechanism at work, nevertheless in the last few decades a whole industry in tourism have grown and flourished in its wake. And in this way wealth is shared amongst the people of the Earth, the energy of money is exchanged for love and kindness and beauty, and made to circulate from the rich to the poor, the poor to the rich, materially and spiritually. In the blink of the moment I saw this, I felt a great relief from carrying the burden of guilt that I have since our last trip to Mexico, when all I could think about was the damage that we have done promoting global tourism, that all we were doing was destroying beauty and spirit of another people after destroying our own.

It is not an excuse to further corporate ambitions, or even to encourage evening of the score, but sometimes, it is so healing just to untie a knot, and to see how justice is served, in the Greater scheme of things.

Interesting to note that this happened right after I pleaded, out loud, under the shower, with the Great Spirit to help me surrender, because I don’t seem to know how (and this came after I woke up this morning with the fear of impoverishment on my mind). Perhaps this came, to show me how the exchange of energy takes place, how yin and yang dance and play, in ways we do not expect, can not see, because of what we have not yet surrendered. Fear has blinded me to the remembrance of how all the energy flows in this world, because it always flows toward love, in spite of fear.

~~~~~~

I do believe I am having the alternate-monthly malicious PMS today, recalling last month’s as the benevolent one. I am only half-grateful for that at the moment, as it feels like I would never make it to the point where I can fully appreciate and actually love these ‘bounties’ of womanhood. Is it that I do not love myself? I want to, I really do. Goddess help me, I really want to love myself, but again, I don’t seem to know how, where to begin. I look around the immediate circumference around myself, and all I see is the charred remains of defeat. Dear God, I am a spitting volcano and a river of ashes today…

However, on the way to the healthfood store I had another mini-piphany (my contribution to the urban dictionary). In mid-rant to Michael the realization that it is mostly the white men—on whom we, those of us who can easily be distinguished from, blame for most of the plights of humanity—who are responsible for the dissemination of the good and bad things that has become the global movement, the trend of the future. Therefore, I concluded right there on my personal soapbox, that white men aren’t all ‘bad’, if it is the divine plan that oneness be the destiny of our planet. It has been the white men with their inexhaustible adventurousness and courage (often presenting as ambition and greed) that have led the way for cultural (and racial) cross-pollination centuries thence, and that is still our heritage. By calling it our heritage, I am admitting to the part I play in this phenomenon, that even though I am not visibly a white man, I am one inside.

I will also admit that the cost of this planet-wide diaspora has been heavy at times, at least seen from the human perspective, which is usually limited to snapshot-like moments in our history, blips on the radar in the history of time. But what if, God itself came down in the early 1900’s and told us, particularly the citizens of Europe, that a fearsome calamity is imminent, and with it pain and suffering the likes we’ve not seen in recent times. But, it is being brought upon us for a really good reason, divinely conceived (therefore unfathomable to us), which will blossom huge and sweetly into a new kind of future for human kind.

The only catch is, of course, we are too small and limited to see that future, each generation of humans less than a blip on the radar. Could we have, in the face of this terrible news delivered personally by our maker, trust that this upcoming horror and hardship will not completely destroy us, but bear its beautiful fruit for our great-great-grandchildren and their children? Could we smile graciously, and say to the only one who has the Big Picture, “All right then, Almighty! If that’s the best way, bring it on!” And, would we then have no need to blame God and the devil, Hitler and the Nazis, the Russians, the Japanese, the people who made the bombs and the people who dropped them, the people who continue to make them and feed their children from the money they made? People will still die, all of us still suffer, even if we had been assured of our species' future through our sacrifice by none less than God itself. But I wonder, what would the world be like, without blame?

Life on the Beach

I just had to go down to the lake and visit my newfound black-and-white feathered friends today. Startling with the black-and-white starkness of the drakes, beautifully paired with the smaller chocolate brown headed hens. Shy if I stop to watch them from the beach, one by one they would dive under water, and only resurface when they have to come up for air. The other day they were mixed in with the mallards and seagulls, making quite a ruckus. Today they seemed to be on their own, quietly riding the choppy waves, bobbing in and out, and making me smile.

Further on along, I saw a fish! I’ve never seen a fish on the shores of Lake Ontario before, even if it is only 2 inches long and dead. I said a little prayer for it, although I wasn’t sure it was needed. Then a few minutes later I found a small cluster of tiny mussels, clumped together by strands of seaweed (lakeweed?) Were they dashed up on the shore by the stormy water? I’ve never been flung before, I thought, except perhaps by fate.

Often, when I am down by the water’s edge, I experience episodes of inner conflict that I would call teacup tempests. I would become torn, between wanting to look up and take in the expanse of the water and wanting to look down to hunt for beautiful stones. I would start to get frustrated by this, angry at myself. Even I can see these are symptoms of a borderline obsession deeply tapped, usually I would tell myself this is petty and pathetic—don’t you have bigger issues to fry? Today I stopped and thought about the choices: get the big picture or get the details; zoom out and expand or zoom in and focus; generalization or minutiae; all-at-once or one-at-a-time… Why am I stuck with these extremes? Why do I have to choose? Why not have both? It’s what I end up doing anyway, enjoying the panorama as well as hunting for treasure, alternately. So why the fuss, working myself up into a snit? Because, the fear of missing out, the ‘not-enoughness’ is still wiggling like the worm it is inside my apple. I, who have so much… It didn’t even occurred to me to still myself into the moment.

How I can turn a contemplative walk into a head-butting debate astounds even me. I did remember, as I left the house, that I hadn’t done any of the meditative work I did yesterday, to get to that quiet golden place, pregnant with abundant peace and poise. What a difference it makes!

The Questions Continue...

Interesting how I am able to get into and answer these questions, the likes of which I’ve seen many times before, and these days, almost everywhere in the self-help psychology lane of our information highway. It feels opportune and synchronous to me, so I’ll keep going. I got these questions from www.expressiveartworkshops.com, by Shelley Klammer. Aside from test-driving these questions, I’m also enjoying her personal story.

So, another set of questions to ask myself:

1.) Can you feel into your human struggle? What are you struggling with right now?

2.) Can you see the seeds of your greatness...the opposite qualities of your struggle within you? What are they? How can you incorporate these higher qualities in your life today?

As I’ve already alluded to before, I’m struggling with manifesting my Self—its creative expression, moving from design to production, materializing in the physical plane, bearing fruit from planting a seed. In fact, I’ve always struggled with this, to greater or lesser degree. Even when I managed to bring something to fruition, there was always the sense that I’ve not sunk my teeth into it before I quit it for good. So perhaps that perception is problematic too.

These days, I am aching to be a writer and/or a poet, of a story or stories, or a collection of poems. But I find myself not writing those. It is quite possible that I am simply not being still enough to allow them to come to me and through me. Yes, that’s exactly it, isn’t it? From now on, I’m making like a spider meditating in the hub of her web, in the centre of stillness, all day. This is the image I will take into the first day of my Poetry Retreat tomorrow.

Seeds of my greatness… I’ll let myself be informed of this, as I do not have a ready sense… hmmm, it is that I am not the least afraid to find and know the truth, I am a bloodhound when it comes to sniffing out the truth of someone or something, of the heart of the matter, of what lies beneath, then setting my chompers around it and not ever let go until I’ve slammed it into submission and displayed it in the light of day. It’s interesting to note the degree of fearlessness I feel when I’m employed (by myself or others) thus, even if it meant drawing blood and causing pain (to myself and others), embarrassment, disapproval and sometimes ostracism. I can’t seem to stop anymore than a bloodhound could. Which part of my birth chart did this come from, I wonder?

So, looking backwards at this set of questions and my subsequent answers, I see that if the opposite quality of my struggle is truth-hunting, and what’s unusual to me about it is the fearlessness, that in turn implies that my struggle with manifestation is one of great, paralyzing fear. Underneath the surface busyness in the web, the spider is multi-tasking up a smoke screen because she is afraid to take that step into execution, into manifestation. There is always more than enough to pick up and take on, input and output, that she’ll never run out of excuses.

What is this overwhelming, all-consuming fear that seems to immobilize me so deeply within myself, that I do not even register its presence on the conscious level? Is it the fear of success? Yes. Great, so cliché… nevertheless… What does it mean, fear of success? Why would I fear success, please inform me?

I fear success because it is a bottomless pit that on an instinctive level I know will swallow me up, and my real self will be lost forever, like a sacrifice made to the gods to appease their wrath.

I fear success because it is a burden that once I choose to carry it becomes heavier and heavier with the accumulation of its trappings, then one day I’ll either have to jettison the whole thing or die under its weight.

I fear success because it demands of me all of myself, and such a heavy investment can use up so much of my energy, time, and focus that my freedom will be severely limited.

As I write down these reasons a tiny feeling is poking its newly sprouted head into my awareness: that it is not the success that’s the culprit, but the fear; and that I am reacting to a trauma(s) around success, judging by the extremeness of the beliefs I have expressed.

Since I have explored this issue of my fear of success before, my first ready response to the question of trauma is that of my childhood academic success. Surprisingly, my body tells me it is so, still. (My visits to the healing spiral is turning into a world tour!)

So, there was nothing wrong with the success that I was blessed with, but I was not prepared in the least for its consequences, the expectations that ensued, the institution that it is and the cost of the membership. I was taught to be modest, but I did not learn real humility. Control was the shrine and temple where we worshiped, not surrender. And with my first school uniform I put on my first ensemble of armour, because lesson #1 is that life is a battleground, and you must fight with all of your might, if you want to survive. So I did. So did everyone I’ve ever known.

How to undo all this conditioning, the task seems beyond enormous… Is that even the thing to do? Yes, that is the task at hand. Oh dear… but how? I am seeing an image of a wall with grafitti or writing being hosed with water, and the writing is being obliterated, like the dream I had yesterday of the watercolour paint on the wall (http://lastnightidreamed-whitelightone.blogspot.com/). Water, the power of gentle persuasion and unrelenting patience. Turning the hose on myself comes all of a sudden. A wake-up call?? No, it means “be gentle with yourself”, even if it is what you’re trying to obliterate.

It seems there’s something else I need to do… Make the intention of washing off these layers of fear when I’m in the shower (really, life is suddenly full of new-age clichés! Just kidding, sort of…), letting the power of water manifest on all levels at once. I thank the power of water and the greatness of Life, and Shelley Klammer, for inspiring me.

Quilt-Making & Body-Making

The Making of the Quilt of My Self

I woke up with the urge to make a quilt. My desire is not daunted by the concern that I do not know the first thing about quilting, that I can barely sew. In my highly strung mind, that part comes later, after I’ve had my rocks off designing the quilt. It occurs to me that I do love the process the most, where I fall short (literally) is that I abandon the process too often before manifestation—execution of the design or idea—is underway. I’ve gorged on brain candy, now I have to get going to find my next fix, so sayonara!

While there might be nothing ‘wrong’ with sampling as I go, my active and relentless pursuit of experiences and knowledge is exactly like a junky possessed by her addiction. Just in the last 10 minutes I’ve tried to read and write 4 different things at the same time. Is this how my mind naturally works, because it can? Forcing it to stay with only one thing at a time, I must admit, does not always feel the right thing to do. If I ‘go with the flow’ of how my mind wants to go, reaching out and picking up all the sensory input coming its way like a spider sitting in the hub of its great web, and stay grounded in maturity and clarity so I can discern what’s relevant and what’s not, so the decisions I make are wise and for good. The spider needs to be tuned in to the sacred and the divine at all times, that’s all.

So don’t worry any more about how to be, do one thing or many, or what to be, designer or production artist, just surrender my whole being to the divine, and stay open, relaxed, and spontaneous.

I still want to design and make a quilt though.
_____________

Upon asking myself (a set of questions found on a website):

1) Where do you feel victimized in your life? Where do you feel life has “done” you wrong?

2) Can you see places where you choose to keep yourself small and avoid taking the next step in your life by hanging onto your feelings of victimization?

3) What would your life look like if your did not feel victimized? How would you move into your day? What steps would you take?

“You choose to keep yourself small” socked me in the gut, again, still. All of my life I’ve been told that I am small, as in physically. What most people don’t know, though some do, is that it happens to match how I see myself, how I feel inside. Even now, when I know a cover is just a cover, it’s not the book. Did I buy into the belief that I am small so I don’t have to risk bigger challenges, or had my vulnerability and fear of the spotlight made my smallness necessary? This is the tide that bounces from one shore to the other, and in between is the fathomless ocean of my fear.

I don’t think I can even answer question #3 because I’ve never been without this fear. I have always been small, felt small. But it’s not exactly true, is it? When I was born I was a good size baby, and got chubbier quickly until I was like a fat little buddha, with three creases in my arms instead of the usual two. I have photographs to prove this, even if I’m not all that keen on showing them. Did I chunk up to protect myself, as I know now most people do? I was only ever thin when I was feeling my bravest, and physically free. Hmmm, that means I don’t feel completely free even now, as I’m sporting a fair bit of excess fat on my belly.

It is true that I feel more free mentally, emotionally, and spiritually now than at any other time in my life, but it is also true that I do not feel a corresponding free-ness physically. I am healthy, that is, without disease symptoms, but I don’t feel free in my movement, poise, carriage. I don’t feel graceful, agile, vital, focused, at ease, safe—in my physical body. The world still feels like a big, bad place to little me, frought with possible danger.

It occurs to me that my body has seldom known love, pure, unbridled giving of love without judgment or reservation. I’m not used to giving nor receiving physically. Mostly, I am awkward with my body.

So, smallness, what to do? How to become the size I truly am, inside out, throughout my being? I see a small circle of light shining on me, my smallness, alone on the dark stage. As the light grow bigger, I unfold myself, stretch out my arms, get to my feet and plant them wide and firm, lift my face to the light and look into the distance, even if it is only darkness I see at first. But my real vision is turned in, I am only seeing my physical self move. It is moving into my own version of African dance, solid contact and clear cut moves. All I can feel is my body.

I have begun to experience this purely physical feeling when I do my half-hour yin yoga sessions at home. Even though I’m not a complete stranger to yoga, this is the first time I’ve felt this way.

As I fill myself with this body sense, this totally in the body feeling, through yoga or whatever else, my sense of self will grow as well, until my smallness is just another baby picture, in some album of my past.

Today seems to be a day for revisiting some old places on the healing spiral, a day of deepening into that healing that came, that began some time ago. It is a good day.

A Couple of Bugs

Some part of me is resisting the idea of my supposed return to healing work with others. Is it the work itself, or the people, or the sense of burden that’s nagging like a sore tooth? I am not rejoicing at this news from my unconscious, of this change I can feel to be imminent. I can’t even accept it entirely…

Hmmm… it’s none of the 3 things I mentioned… It is the fear that I will be giving away too much of my time, my energy, my focus, and not have enough left for myself. The last 7 months have been the most devoted I have ever been to myself, and I have, still am, enjoying this little personal retreat immensely. None of the work I have ever done in my life has captivated me so completely, mind, body, and soul, nor given me such deep satisfaction and joy, even if i didn't make a cent from it. I suppose I don’t feel as if I’m near finished or ready to trade it in for some other occupation yet. I love this life that I have now and I don’t want to give it up. There, that’s how I feel. So here’s hoping, and trusting, that I won’t have to give it up, or, if I have to give it up, I will not experience it as a loss, but a change for something even better.

On the subject of what’s bugging me, what is it about Nancie that still irks me whenever the memory of her bumps up against the pier of my mind like an unsinkable old tire? Is it something in me that’s being mirrored? Yes… It is that she sold out so completely, so willingly it seems, to patriarchal rule, just as I had in my younger days, and echoes of that betrayal of myself are still reverberating, and not as faintly as I would’ve liked. I hate that she reminds me of that naïve and ignorant traitor that I was, so full of myself, yet not realizing that it was only hot air I was full of—full of nothing—there’s the oxymoron of the century. I hate that I still crave approval from ‘my father’. I hate that in myself, that daddy’s girl.

What am I to do with her, Great Spirit? Ought I to give her more time? Let her be? Help her grow up? Take her away from daddy? No, no, no. Allow her to grow up. Withhold judgment, and surrender her to Source (i.e. don’t worry about her, don’t try to fix her). Okay, okay. Thank you.

2010: In Review

“The spirit of the Liver helps us organize and coordinate our ideas and visions into actions and change… When we allow our anger/frustration to go unexpressed we stagnate and are unable to move forward . This inability to properly express oneself can manifest as either being under assertive or overly aggressive, headaches/migraines, menstrual and/or gynaecological issues, PMS, inability to adapt to change, depression.” ~ Cathy Keenan on the Wood element in TCM

If only I had known about these things a few decades ago… Would I have been spared the lesson of learning the cycle of suppressed anger/frustration to stagnation to dysfunctions of the liver, expressing itself in symptoms of headaches, menstrual and gyno pathology, depression, bitterness (biliousness) and inflexibility; all of it like bodily tissues of my self wrapped around the grit of my irritability, and a pearl is made of out this grimmest stuff, and in spite of it.

It is interesting to note also, that I was born under the element of wood, so perhaps this was what I came into the life for, to walk the whole length of the wood journey, from Fool to Pilgrim, to home.

~~~~~~~~

Just read this too, about how 2010 transpired in my life as Pisces (excerpts by Eric Francis):

“Pluto in Sagittarius was here to teach you how to create and hold a vision for your life and for your work. You have likely learned more about this than you think. Pluto in Capricorn is here to give you some traction in the world. That is, to teach you that the world is malleable and subject to your energy, your concepts and your design scheme. The world changes, and you are in a rare position to benefit from those changes. Indeed, the world, despite the resistance that it seems to put up, bends far more easily than we imagine, if we know how to align our desires with our choices and our actions.”


I am at home in the shadowy, watery, shimmery, shifty world of the ephemeral, that in-between place strung across reality and dream, material and spiritual, conscious and unconscious; the seemingly grey area which, if you are willing to move your head a little, becomes irridescent with the whole spectrum of the rainbow, of possibilities previously unseen.

All of my life I've searched for what I would call home, and it is only now that I feel myself on the home stretch...

I am the ocean that gives life, breaks it down, returns it again and again, changelessly changing.
I am the mollusk that protects, insulates, nurses and worries the pearl into being.
I am the pearl which has hidden itself from the world.
I am the light that emanates from within the pearl, when at last it sees the light of day.
But unlike the light of day, it is a soft, warm glow that you can hold in your palm, a pocket moon to light your way, soothe and bolster you, when you travel alone into your darkness each night.
This is who I am, and what I am here for.
I am home.

~~~~~~~~

“In theater, masks hide the face to reveal a deeper essence.

I would not say that Pisces lacks self-esteem: rather I would say that for many, the concept does not exist tangibly. It must be defined and discovered and developed consciously."

I have this belief that when I do something for someone else, it takes away from my own life, that I am discredited or diminished in some way. Therefore I resent having to work at a job, or provide service for clients, because it takes time and energy and focus away from spending it on what I want to do for myself: healing, insight and wisdom gathering, reading, writing, meditating, being still, being in nature, beauty, and art, pleasing myself, connecting with whom I wish...

~~~~~~~~

"On June 8, 2010, there will be a conjunction in your house of self-esteem.

This is a conjunction that’s going to change the world; indeed, it’s already doing so, months before it happens. For you it is personal on many accounts, representing an invention of self-awareness, identity and self-worth.

When I say invention, I mean this literally. The Uranus factor is often the creation or discovery of self-awareness and self-acceptance that did not seem to exist before. There is an economic angle: the discovery that something you’ve been doing has a monetary value that you had not noticed before then, or had not accessed before then."

Well, my last day at work was June 11, and I would say that my self-esteem was pretty high around then, in fact had been since I gave my resignation back in April, when Chiron entered Pisces. But what is this 'economic angle, the discovery that somethin gyou've been doing has a monetary value that you had not noticed before...'? Is it my writing? I had been trying to journal seriously then, and working as much as I could with my dreams, with whatever energy and time I had left from working a full-time job. Was it the realization that writing could be a way of life AND livelihood for me?

~~~~~~~~

"Mars Retrograde: Work Smart, Not Hard
Contrary to the notion of Pisces as the lush, lazy slacker, astrology suggests that you radiate vitality: in particular, through your work and your drive for achievement. You have it in you to identify with your professional activities, and to shine in your chosen field. Your ability to get a job done is one of your most valuable assets; and you find your greatest stability in being productive and respected."

Hmmm... This is worthy of contemplation for me, as it was one of the big lessons I learned with my 2 year stint as department manager.

~~~~~~~~

"The easiest way to organize your energy is to aim for what you want; that turns out to be the easiest way to get what you want, and to accomplish what you want.

This has to do partly with how you manage your energy; and partly with how you define your purpose: both of which come back to your sense of value — mostly about yourself. In other words, when in doubt, ask if you’re worth the effort; or apply the effort and see if it changes your feeling of worth. Fortunately, this equation can work in either direction.

The energy reorganization attribute of Mars retrograde in Leo is about learning how to focus your desire in the here and now. I suggest you practice, when you remember — and practice remembering. This is the most efficient use of energy: to align with desire."

Interesting... I've only recently applied Osho's suggestion, to do only what pleases me, which, in the words of Eric Francis is as follows:

"There will be times when you have to communicate about this directly; and using the Law of Mars Retrograde, look inwardly for what you want; then state outwardly what you want. Your ability to do this is mingled with your ability to access your sense of self-worth. Mars retrograde is the time to get this energetic spine in alignment: desire >> intention >> statement of intention >> achievement."

Maybe I should put this on a fluorescent banner and post it on the wall...

~~~~~~~~

"Your desk, you can think of as your entire work life and creative process."

This I'll keep in mind for my dreamwork...

~~~~~~~~

"You may feel that it’s not in your nature to be competitive. You may feel like leadership is too much responsibility. You feel you’re too sensitive to handle too much responsibility. None of this is true, unless you make it true, which would be akin to making it up."

Damn!

~~~~~~~~

"By taking inner authority over yourself, you will have exceptionally strong influence in your relationships, which you do not have to push. You merely need to work with, work in service of, and recruit people to your cause. Without ‘appropriating’ the resources of others, you have a passport into the dimension where all resources on Earth exist as some form of shared resources, for the good of everyone."

"The world seems torn between the desire for revolution and the sense of how pointless it is to make a real effort. The truth is somewhere in between, and your job is to hold out the middle ground — the very wide middle ground — and allow for some of the better possibilities to manifest."

Aaahhh... The Middle Way... my Holy Grail...

~~~~~~~~

"You are likely to be feeling more optimistic than ever this year, though beneath that is your usual stalwart realism (of which the ‘dreamy’ quality of Pisces is often a defense mechanism).

What?!?? My shimmery dreamy world is only a defense mechanism, is not my 'real' nature?? I am a melt-in-your-mouth M&M with a practical peanut of 'stalwart realism' in the centre?!! How have I not known that my entire swimming-against-the-current life?! Damn and blast!!!

~~~~~~~~

"Chiron in Pisces is going to remind us that we have reached the end of one particular game, of one particular mode of existence, and that we must open the way for another."

More ominous AND optimistic have never been spoken in my little life than these...
~~~~~~~~

The following in on Gemini, as my ascendant, also for 2010:

"You don’t need to be right; you don’t need to be exact; you merely need to experience what you’re feeling and express yourself directly. All of your best virtues stem from simple authenticity.

An Authenticity Check

I would suggest that Mars retrograde in Leo is a moment to conduct an authenticity check, and to learn new skills that will help you be real, as well as gain the benefits of doing so, and to handle the issues that being real creates. The first of those may be insecurity: the feeling that beneath the appearances you present to the world, you live in a maze of doubt. Here, you need to be cautious about what I will call the self-inflicted issue. Doubt for you is like an echo chamber; the more you question, the more questions you hear.

This condition alone can cause you significant distress: in short, that results from the fear that you are not authentic enough, not worthy enough, not brave enough. I want to propose that there is a childhood situation that you can identify and work through that would help you resolve this situation, if you feel that it presents you with difficulties. One clue I can give you is rather than being something hidden and cryptic, this situation is obvious and so easy to see that you may have overlooked it.

I would propose that you were seen one way (by the adults and possibly your siblings), and felt a different way — and this created tension in your psyche, such as the fear of being ‘found out’."

Wow... this is chilling, and makes me hot under the collar at the same time... like picking off a scab to let out an abscess, shattering pain and relief at once...

And it IS so obvious that I have overlooked it all of my life (my soul is blushing to its roots right now). I WAS seen as the little wunderkind who could do no wrong, the shining first-born and star pupil, but in my wee tender heart I never felt the 'specialness' the adults around me were oozing all over about. I just wanted to play all day, with friends imaginary and real, but the rewards of success dangled like a candy store (carrots had less visceral appeal then) and it was, alas, within the grubby little reach of my burgeoning ego.

Inside, though, I felt hollow, like a balloon full of the hot air of not authentic enough, not worthy enough, not brave enough - the Never-Never-Enough Land I've lived in ever since. Still haven't burst that balloon yet...

And yes, I have been terrified of being 'found out' that I am NOTHING like what people thought of me (the good and courageous and talented), so whenever I failed, I proved to myself that I am indeed the pathetic, ordinary, empty husk I believed myself to be.

So, how to work through this obstacle to my authenticity?

Let go of this label I have given myself; it is no longer true. I have begun to shift and change and mature, and I am no longer a believer in how other people define and judge me to be. I am not the wunderkind, nor the high or low achiever, nor the good girl or bad daughter that others would have me think I am. I have been working hard to know myself, no one else has, and aside from my maker, I know me best. If I see my image reflected back to me as something I have not seen before, or something I dislike or disagree with, I know it to be my work to investigate and explore that image until I find the truth and the lesson in it. I have the resources of an adult to do that now. I am not stuck with any label, any image, anything that does not include my whole self.

~~~~~~~~

“For you, speaking, writing and moreover thinking well are the marks of an adult, and I want to remind you how vital it is that you feel competent and aligned with yourself in these aspects of life. It would be fair to say that this contains a holistic key for you: a key to your total wellbeing. That does indeed depend on the thoughts you think about yourself, which is your first environment — your mental environment. This extends from your senses to your psychological patterns into your immediate physical environment, such as your dwelling space and the neighborhood where it’s situated. See what you can learn from considering these as one environment.

Just like many speech impediments have their roots not in an ‘inability’ but rather in childhood emotional material, your struggle with words works in a similar way. You move between two layers: an expressive layer and a perfectionist one; or a layer of image and a layer of doubt; a layer of child and a layer of adult. Yet it is the space between them where your power, healing, and talent reside.”

What IS that space between them?? Is it the Middle Way, that which is both places, both extremes, both states, yet attached to neither? It’s where exchange happens, flow happens. But, we still need the two ends, the opposites, to define and delineate where the middle is… Duality describes a state; dualism, a belief.

~~~~~~~~

"While you’re considering some of the deeper aspects of how you appear on the monitor of your own mental process, consider what inputs are influencing that process. Find a few sources of annoyance in your environment and try shifting or removing them. Think back to your childhood and consider what about that environment both annoyed you and supported you. Consider how you may have felt powerless to change what you didn’t like. Do you still feel that sense of powerlessness? That information will give you clues for how you can adjust your mental environment now. In many ways your mental pattern is who you are — or rather, you become it, and it becomes you."

That childhood environment of praise and reward set me up to become addicted to achievement, success according to others, and the ever-elusive goal of pleasing others as a way of survival and acceptance and love. I learned to criticize and judge, doubt and demean myself (and others), then inflate myself with arrogance and superiority as a way of balance. On the other hand, this same environment brought me out into the ring as a fighter, trusting in whatever resources I thought I had, and forced me to take on responsibilities that I loathe to ever take on, although I don’t think I ever learned to truly accept responsibility for anyone other than myself, at least not with grace… Certainly I still feel the childhood powerlessness in being forced to take on responsibility that I don’t want, to shoulder the burden of being an achiever, a good performer, of being a good spouse, family member, healer, citizen, and socially-integrated human being. Of being useful and therefore worthy. Responsibility has become, to me, the long yardstick by which I am measured against. And I’ve spent my life between wanting to check where I’m at according to that stick, and breaking it.

How can this child be healed?

I think she has begun to heal, this child of mine, by my letting go of responsbilities I do not want, and accepting ones that I do want. Not with regret or resignation, not with rancour and powerlessness. Not out of fear of compromise or obligation, but out of love and joy from the flow and exchange of energy in connecting and relating. For that I would gladly and easily carry the responsibility of tending the garden of growth and delight of my soul. I am an adult now, I have the power to choose my responsibilities. Truly.

Another nugget for dreamwork: "deeper aspects of how you appear on the monitor of your own mental process" - for when I dream of screens and monitors, consider them as media for my mental processes and their images, if any are shown.

~~~~~~~~

“Can you imagine a life where you don’t fight yourself? Can you imagine a life where you are who you are, and nothing else, no matter what anyone else thinks? I suggest you practice every day, because if you do, the time will arrive shortly when you have the opportunity to create precisely that for yourself. Yes, to manifest this you will need to maintain balance, and keep your focus on the many seemingly different angles of integrity maintenance. Yet these are designed to get one result: you admitting to, and living, your personal truth as a fully open gesture in the world.”

I think I am on my way to living my real life as the real me, now, a year later… A fully open gesture in the world, mmm, how marvelously refreshing…

~~~~~~~~

“On Feb. 8, Chiron will return to Pisces, where it will stay until it begins its process of entering Aries in 2018.

Neptune will exit Aquarius and touch the shore of Pisces on April 4, 2011, staying for a four-month visit. Then in 2012 it will re-enter Pisces to stay until 2025-26. This brief visit of Neptune is another harbinger of the 2012 era, representing a distinct shift in the spiritual vibration of the planet and a new phase of what we can call the history of our inner lives. This influence may overwhelm some; to others it will feel like flushing fresh water into a dry lake.

You can think of Chiron as the boat, the vessel which includes such tools as perception, analysis, documentation and -- most significantly -- boundaries.

It's as if Chiron and Neptune are helping us reach aspects of soul awareness and Uranus in Aries is helping us project our life force through our personality and body. Together, these transits -- which last for years -- will help many people wake up to the beauty of existence, to life and to participating in the changes that the world is going through."

I can certainly attest to that...

~~~~~~~~

"So it's a good thing that we have Uranus in Aries reminding us to wake up to who we are. Now, here is a clue about 2012. That's the year that Uranus moving through Aries first meets Pluto moving through Capricorn. This is called the Uranus-Pluto square. This is part of the cycle that delivers some of the most radical astrology ever documented by historians -- the astrology of revolution and of revelation. Think of how this is developing -- society changing, perhaps seeming like it's 'failing', while at the same time individuals are awakening to our creative power, one at a time getting into the process of creation and change.

The Uranus-Pluto square describes the place where radical self-awareness (Uranus in Aries) meets the vast and sweeping changes that the world is going through (Pluto in Capricorn). We all know the world is changing, and we all know that many of us feel a profound need to rethink who we are and find our role, our place of participation, our point of influence. We may feel driven by passion (Aries) and practical needs (Capricorn) as part of an urgent series of awakening events. The thing to do in the midst of it all is to feel: to be present with your feelings, and to notice what your senses are telling you.

Uranus in Aries is here to light the fire of self, and Chiron and Neptune are here to guide us across the ocean of our soul."

And so we have the general gist of the prophecy for 2012...

This New Moon

My new moon wish: One word, “Abundance”.

I wish for as much flow as is good for me, in creative and self expression, in my writing, in inspiration, in insights and wisdom needed for my growth and maturity, in releasing and receiving what ought to be, in exchange and renewal of energy in my whole being, in balancing the masculine and feminine, in balancing income and debt, in trust and in gratitude.

The new moon in Capricorn, though, is about quite different topics than what my wish is above. My nature is such that I would rather open the floodgates than hold them closed, if I had a choice. Typical for me, my illnesses have usually been caused by my forcing myself to close up, out of fear, in compensation. Going against my nature has never served me well, that much I’ve learned. I look at Capricorn key words like aging, security, discipline, responsibility, goals, success, recognition, management skills, authority figures, and controlling behaviour, and I feel my gut tighten up. I fear these words because I believe they are my Achilles’ heel, my weakness. Because I resist accepting they are part of life, that they are as necessary as their counterparts/opposites.

But, if I see them as stones, all the different stones that are needed to create boundary of form, to anchor other elements of less integrity/solidity though no less important to the whole picture, then all of a sudden I can accept with ease that they are necessary for the whole of existence, of meaning, of cohesiveness in the web that holds us all together.

So, to continue my ongoing ‘Ode to Stones’: I love stones also because they are so very solid, substantial, and enduringly so. Thank you so much, my astute and quiet friends, for this very healing insight.

Dedication

I dedicate this new year, 2011, to:

The birth of my true Self into the world – may you thrive and prosper!

Deepening into the knowing and celebration of Life – with awe, and more wholeness!

Spreading the wings of creativity, and taking off for destinations divinely led!

Further growth and healing – it’s worth all the pain and pleasure, searing light and soothing darkness.

Stillness, solitude, silence, and surrender – Become.